You're all I want, all I need (reuploaded)
by Chiara08
Summary: So this is basically my take on what happens when Clarke holds the knife to Lexa's throat in ep. 3x03 and how the story develops from there. I'm sorry but there's no better way to summarize it. You'll just have to read it and find out. Trigger warning: major character death. Yes, it's Lexa. No, my name is not JRat, so... "Don't be afraid, death is not the end."
1. I'm ready now

Clarke is sitting on the edge of her new bed staring at the knife in her hands. Her mind can't help but go back to that one other time when she'd found herself in a similar situation. That time Raven had offered her a knife to kill the Commander, but she chose to kill Finn instead, to preserve their alliance. An alliance Lexa has broken, leaving her alone to save her people and to bear the deaths of yet other hundreds of innocent human beings. She's hated Lexa for that and for three months she's tried to blame her for turning her into Wanheda. But, deep down, she does understand why she did what she did and she knows it couldn't have been easy for her to make that choice. She'd seen it in her eyes as they were shining with unshed tears, and she'd heard it in the slight crack of her voice as she told her "May we meet again", before turning and leaving.

For months that little voice inside her head has kept reminding her of the Commander's betrayal and how she was going to kill her if they ever crossed paths again. But right now, looking at that knife, it's like all the hatred she's held for Lexa is gone, and she's not so sure that she wants her dead anymore.

Clarke is so lost in her trail of thoughts that she almost misses the crack of the door of her room opening and the sound of footsteps coming in. It takes her a moment to realize it's Lexa before she all but jumps on her feet, with her back turned towards the other girl and the knife held firmly in her hand in front of her, where Lexa won't see it.

"You wanted to see me? I'm here." As Lexa utters these words, Clarke does everything in her power not to cry in front of her. She will not be weak in front of Lexa again, she can't-

"Clarke?" Lexa speaks again.

That's it. It's now or never. Clarke gathers all her courage and throws herself at Lexa, holding the knife to her throat. Clarke is ready for any reaction coming from Lexa, but the Commander doesn't move. She does nothing but look at Clarke like she'd known this moment would come at some point. Like she's giving Clarke permission to take her life if that'll make her feel better. Clarke starts shaking, because this is not the reaction she was expecting from Lexa. Why isn't she fighting? Why is she looking at Clarke with so much sorrow? Why do her eyes hold so many emotions when she's supposed to be the heartless Commander that's haunted her thoughts and dreams ever since the destruction of Mount Weather?

"I'm sorry". Lexa whispers softly, with her voice almost cracking. And that's all it takes for Clarke to let go of that little strength she had left. She bursts into tears, shaking her head vehemently as if to try and drive those words out of her mind.

Lexa looks at her for a brief second, trying not to cry herself. It's her fault Clarke is so broken right now, and she'll never forgive herself for causing the girl she loves so much pain.  
"I never meant to turn you into this." She finally manages to whisper those words so heavy with regret.

Clarke can tell she really means them, so she let's go of all the walls she's built around her heart in these past few months. As all the emotions come flooding in, Clarke moves forward and sinks in Lexa's arms, sobbing hard into her chest. Tear after tear, she let's go of all the hatred she felt for Lexa. She knows the Commander had to put her people first, she knows she's not heartless, quite the opposite in fact. Lexa cares about other people so much. Plus, Clarke is the one who's pulled that lever to let the radiation into Mount Weather, so Lexa's not the only one to be blamed for everything that's happened. But what really gets to Clarke in that moment is that Lexa is actually the only one who's ever asked for her forgiveness and not for her apology. Clarke's saved her people over and over again, and yet they keep asking for her to do more. They say she doesn't try hard enough to protect them, and if that weren't enough, they keep reminding her of all the blood she has on her hands. Even her own mother chose to accuse of the deaths of the people of TonDC, instead of trying and understand she was only trying to save her people. But Lexa's not like them. No. She's like Clarke. She knows what it takes to be a leader. All the hard choices Clarke had to make she's made them too. And now she's here willing to take all that guilt on her own shoulders, so that Clarke doesn't have to bear it anymore.

As she's standing there in her room in Polis, with Lexa's arms wrapped around her shaking and sobbing form, Clarke knows that maybe, after all this time spent barely surviving, she can finally start living again. That's what she wants, to live and not just survive. With that newfound hope, Clarke takes a deep breath and raises her head to look straight into Lexa's beautiful green eyes. Clarke knows how much emotion they can carry, she'd seen it before, but what she sees right now takes her completely off guard. Lexa has lowered her walls down completely, and Clarke even catches a glimpse of a tear running down her cheek. Then, in the moment their eyes lock, something other than sorrow shows up in those green orbs: a sparkle of hope. It's small but Clarke can see it, and she's more than willing to fuel it, so she takes a deep breath to steady her voice and without unlocking her eyes from the Commander's, she speaks for the first time.

"I need you too, Lexa." She takes her time to say the next words, so she can study Lexa's reaction.

"I need you. But it terrifies me. I'm afraid because… if you leave me again, it will kill me." Regret comes flooding Lexa's eyes all over again, but Clarke doesn't let that vision stop her from finishing.

"For three months I tried to hate you, I wanted to hate you, and I hated that I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was your fault, that it was your choice that forced me to kill everyone in the Mountain, I… I did understand why you did it. And I knew you were right. I would've saved my people too if I had the chance. Because that's what it means to be a leader. You taught me that. Leaders must put their head before their hearts. It's our job to save everyone, because they're our people and we owe them to. Even though everyone doesn't include the one person we truly wish we could save. I understand that now. But I still can't go through all that again. So… if my people agree to join your coalition, you can never turn your back on us again. On me." Clarke pauses again to give Lexa time for those words to sink in. Then, with a brief smile, she takes Lexa's hand into hers and she concludes.

"I'm ready for you now, Lexa. If you promise not to betray me again."

Lexa is now crying profusely, not even bothering to try and hold back her emotions. A ghost of a smile makes its way on her lips, but it's only a second before her expression changes to a dead serious one. She looks down at their joined hands, then straight into Clarke's eyes.

"I won't."

Lexa let's go of Clarke's hand. Then, as if trying to prove her that she really means it, she sinks to her knees and, never breaking eye contact, she continues: "I swear fealty to you, _Klark kom Skaikru_. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people."

The Commander bows to no one, Clarke knows that. At least, no one but her. She's at a loss of words, and she can only hold her hand out for the other woman to take. With a gentleness only reserved for Clarke, Lexa takes her hand and rises back up. Blue orbs lock on green ones and Clarke knows she can really trust her now. But most of all, she knows she can finally live again, so she takes a few steps forward to be standing only inches away from the Commander. No, not the Commander. Lexa. The person standing in front of her right now is just Lexa, not the leader of 12 clans. She takes a deep breath before offering her the softest of smiles. Only when she sees Lexa's shoulders relax as she releases a sigh of relief, Clarke makes the final move to close the gap between the two of them. Her lips meet Lexa's, but it takes the other woman a few seconds before she responds to the kiss. Clarke doesn't rush her. She stays still, because she doesn't want to overwhelm Lexa, who has yet to realize what's really happening. When she finally feels the slight pressure of Lexa's lips on hers, she starts moving her own ones slowly and tentatively. They kiss gently for a few seconds, until they need to part for air. Neither of them moves too far away, though, not to break contact completely. They press their foreheads together and their eyes stay closed a few more moments. When they make eye contact again, Clarke is surprised to find they are both crying. But it's happy tears this time, because they're not alone in this cruel world anymore. They have each other now. Clarke moves her head back a little, and she notices Lexa's offering her the most stunning smile she's ever seen. God, she's so beautiful when she smiles. Clarke can't help but smile back with the largest and brightest smile she can manage.

It's hard to tell how long they stay there smiling at each other, but a sudden knock on the door breaks them out of their reverie. Both Clarke and Lexa respond to it with a groan and an amused shake of their heads.

"Yes?" Clarke gives whoever it is at the door the permission to enter, not even bothering to put some distance between her and Lexa.

"_Heda. Wanheda_." Titus, Of course, he had to be the one disturbing them.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to let you know that Abby and Marcus of the Sky People have arrived, and they are ready to meet you when you're done." The bald man eyes them suspiciously for a moment before Lexa dismisses him.

"Thank you, Titus. You may go now. We'll meet them in a moment."

With a small nod for each woman, Titus turns and leaves. As soon as they are alone again, Lexa looks back at Clarke and talks to her softly.

"Your mother's here. I'll give you some time alone to catch up before we talk about _Skaikru_ becoming the 13th clan." And with that she moves for the door, only to be stopped on her tracks by Clarke's voice.

"Wait! I have a better idea. We can catch up and discuss politics at the same time. Let me talk to them about joining your coalition. Hopefully they'll listen to me."

"Alright. Let me know their decision then." Lexa agrees with a slight nod of her head before turning back towards the door and making her way out of the room.

Clarke keeps staring at the door until she can no longer catch sight of the other woman. With a deep sigh, she leaves her room as well to go meet with her mother and Kane. She has absolutely no idea how she's going to convince them Lexa is trustable. It's not like she can tell them the Commander of the Grounders is not going to betray them again because they're in love with each other. Wait! Woah, love?! Where does that even come from? I mean, of course she is aware of how much she cares about Lexa, but… love? She's so busy worrying her mind with these thoughts she almost misses the door to the room where her mom and Kane were waiting for her.


	2. The 13th clan

In the meantime, in the room where she and Kane were led to wait for Lexa, Abby's pacing nervously.

What's taking her so long? She was supposed to meet us twenty minutes ago." Abby lets out an impatient sigh as she checks her watch for the hundredth time. The woman started complaining and pacing the room after the first five minutes of wait, so by now Kane has long given up trying to calm her down.

"She'll be here soon." That's the best he can say. And to be honest, he's not even sure whether it's Abby he wants to convince or himself. Thankfully, though, as soon as he utters the words, the door cracks open behind them.

"See? What did I tell you?" He mocks Abby as they both sigh in relief and turn to the door, expecting to see Lexa coming in. To their surprise, it not the commander to enter the room, but Clarke.

"Clarke?" Abby whispers, not believing her daughter is actually standing in front of her after three months spent apart. The initial shock lives her unable to move for a few seconds, but finally she launches forward, throwing herself at Clarke. Abby wraps her daughter in a tight hug, unable to tame her emotions as she starts crying in the crook of her neck.

"I've missed you." She manages to let out as she hugs Clarke even tighter.

"Me too." Clarke doesn't really know what else to say to her, so she just returns the hug, reveling in her mom's presence after so long. They all keep quiet for a while, until Clarke can no longer breathe due to how tight her mom's hug has gotten.

"Mom?"

"Mmh?" Abby hums in response.

"I can't breathe." Clarke breaths out in Abby's shoulder.

"Omg. Sorry. I'm sorry" Abby quickly let's go of her daughter. She's worried she's crossed a line and that such a hug was too much, but the Clarke's amused smile let's her know it's okay. Both women chuckle, feeling a little bit embarrassed by the whole situation.

As much as it pains him to put an end to that sweet reunion, Kane knows there's some important business they need to discuss with Lexa, and it can't wait anymore.

"We were supposed to meet with Lexa to-" He interjects from behind Abby but he's soon interrupted by Clarke.

"Yeah, about that... The summit was kind of an excuse to have you coming to Polis." She says in a tentative tone, worried of what their reaction might be. It's crazy, she's _Wanheda_, nothing should scare her. Nothing but telling her mother and Marcus that Lexa tricked them. Again.

She looks at them for a few seconds, hoping for one of them to say something. When it's clear to her that they're both too confused to utter any words, she clears her throat looking for the right words to explain herself. The thing is, she knows exactly what needs to be said, but how can she tell her people that they're asked to bow to the same girl who had left them to die at Mount Weather only three months ago.

"Lexa..." No, not Lexa, that's too unformal. She doesn't want them to suspect about the nature of her relationship with Lexa. Not yet, at least. So she starts over. "The Commander... She's changing the terms of the treaty."

"Is this because of Mount Weather?" Marcus asks as he still can't believe what's happening.

"This is because of the Ice Nation. They want Lexa dead." The only idea sends shivers down Clarke's spine. She'll do whatever it takes for her people to understand. There's no way she's letting the Ice Queen kill the woman she loves. They've just found each other again, and she's not losing her one more time.

Clarke looks at Marcus, knowing he's the one who can really understand what's at stake. "They wanna take over the coalition."

"That's Lexa's concern not ours." Abby interjects angrily. Just like Clarke thought, her mother doesn't get it.

"No Abby, if Lexa falls, the coalition shatters. And there's no way we can afford that war." But thankfully Kane does.

"You said there were new terms?" He asks Clarke, not giving the other woman time to say more.

It's now or never, Clarke thinks as she takes a deep breath. Avoiding her mother's gaze, she speaks again. "Yeah. We become the 13th clan."

"13th clan... What does that mean? That we follow Lexa?" Something in the way her mom says Lexa's name, with so much hatred and disgust, makes Clarke want to yell at her that she has no idea how great and selfless a person Lexa truly is. But she knows it's not worth it, Abby wouldn't understand. She never does. So instead, she just ops for a simple "yes".

"This is not the treaty we came here to negotiate." Abby attacks again.

"This is our Unity Day, mom. We can be the 13th station or we can be the 13th clan." Clarke hopes this will make it because she's run out of reasons to convince them.

"Marcus?"

Of course, Abby wants to know his opinion. She sent Clarke down to Earth to die, trusting her instincts would tell her how to protect her people. Yet, ever since the Ark landed on the ground, her mother's never believed in her leadership choices. Not once. She's not a kid anymore, and neither is Lexa. She's the best Commander the grounders, and so Sky People, could ever wish for. Clarke understands why her mother doesn't trust Lexa, of course she has a good reason, but why can't she at least trust her daughter for once?

"Clarke's right. I've seen the Ice Nation army and we don't stand a chance against them. We need to do this." Once again, Kane's words are the only thing keeping her from screaming at her mother.

"So, we become the 13th clan... Then what? What's gonna stop the Ice Nation?" Well, at least, that's progress. Abby's no longer fighting the idea.

"We are. Lexa and I..." The look Abby gives her as soon as those words are out let's Clarke know she's made a mistake.

"You and Lexa?! What, you two are a team now?"

"Mom..."

"No. Clarke, she betrayed us and left us to die! How can you work with her?! How can you even trust her?! She's the reason you left Arkadia and hid in the woods, because you couldn't live with what you had to do!"

Hell! If it's her screaming that Abby wants, then that's exactly what she'll get.

"I left because I couldn't live with what I did! I didn't have to do anything! Lexa never forced me to pull that switch, it was my choice and I paid the price for it! Yes, she saved her people and left us behind, but that's what it means to be a leader, mom!" She takes a deep breath to gather herself a little as she moves towards Abby.

"Tell me, had you been in the same position, wouldn't you have saved your people even if it meant leaving the grounders behind? Wouldn't you have sacrificed their lives for the ones of your people trapped inside or fighting outside?" By now, Clarke's standing right in front of her mother. Her blue orbs are fixed on Abby, daring her to say otherwise.

"I... Maybe I would've, yes! But it still isn't a good reason to go and trust her again, Clarke! What makes you so sure she won't betray us again?!"

"If you can't trust her then trust me. Lexa's not going to betray me again." Clarke curses herself for saying those words the moment she sees her mother's questioning look.

"You? She's not going to betray you?"

"Us. I meant us." Clarke says in a not very convincing tone as she steps back a little, in the hope that some more distance might make it harder for her mother to read right through her.

"But that's not what you said. You said me." To say Clarke is panicking by now is an understatement.

"You're making this a bigger of a deal than it actually is..."

"And you're trying to avoid the answer. What do you mean she's not going to betray you again, Clarke?" Abby is giving her the same look Clarke gave her mother a few moments ago.

It's ridiculous to try and convince her she's just misspoken, Clarke knows it. And what's the point anyway? Sooner or later, she's going to have to tell Abby the truth. She can't live on excuses forever. So, better now than later. Right?

"I mean... She's not going to leave me again." Deep breath. She looks at her mom, then at Kane, and she continues. "She won't betray me, us… because that would mean losing me again." Her mother clearly isn't following, but she cannot say more. It's pointless. She wouldn't understand. She knows she wouldn't.

Seeing as her daughter isn't showing any intention of offering further explanations, Abby tries to push her to say more. "Clarke. What are you saying? Why can't Lexa lose you again?"

"I..." Clarke shakes her head sadly. She wouldn't get it.

"Clarke, honey, I'm your mother. You know that you can talk to me." Abby says putting a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder, but Clarke only shakes her head again looking away.

"You wouldn't understand..."

"Try me. You'll never know if you don't try." She gives her daughter an encouraging smile, as she brings her hand up to her cheek to get her to look at her again.

With a deep breath, Clarke gives up her fight. "She can't lose me because..." She closes her eyes not bearing to see her mother's expression as she confesses her feelings for the woman she's supposed to hate. "…she loves me. And… I trust her because I feel the same way about her." Abby's hand leaves her cheek, and Clarke opens her eyes to look at her mom. "I love her, mom. I'm in love with her, and she's in love with me." She says it one more time to make sure her mother gets it. "We're in love."

Abby stares at her daughter in silence for what feels like an eternity, her expression showing no kind of emotion. Clarke feels like she might get sick if her mother doesn't say something soon. When the silence becomes too much to bear, and it feels to Clarke like it's getting deafening, she decides to speak again hoping for a reaction of some kind from her mother.

"I don't expect you to understand. I… I don't get it either. I know I'm supposed to hate her, and this shouldn't have happened, but it was beyond my control." For her next words, she really needs her mother to listen to her carefully. So, she waits for Abby to be looking straight at her before she continues. "I didn't choose to love her. But I do choose to stay. Please, don't make me choose between my people and the woman I love."

"Because you would choose her?" Abby seems to have found her voice again, but it doesn't make Clarke feel any better. Her mother's words are so harsh, they feel like daggers to her heart. And, once again, they prove how little credit her mom gives her as a leader.

"No. Because I would choose you. As leader of my people I have to put you first. I have to sacrifice my heart, even if it will kill me." Now Clarke is all but begging on the verge of tears. "Mom, please. I'm begging you. Don't make me choose between you and Lexa. Please. I can't lose yet another person I love."

Abby looks reluctant for a moment, but then she finally gives up. With a small nod, she lets Clarke know she agrees to the deal. "Okay. We'll follow Lexa as the 13th clan. But don't expect me to be ok with this."

That's more than Clarke was hoping for. "Thank you." Now she can finally sigh in relief. She did it. They'll join Lexa's coalition and she won't have to lose anybody. For now, at least.


	3. Soulmates

As Clarke exits the room, leaving her mother and Kane to get ready for the ceremony, she's told by the guards that Lexa is waiting for her in the throne room. She smiles at the idea of being in her presence again, but her smile fades away as soon as she remembers Abby's. _Don't expect me to be ok with this_. It doesn't matter how bad Clarke wants to convince herself that she's not a kid anymore, hence she doesn't need her mother. She's always going to care about Abby's opinion, and she really wishes for her mom to be approving and happy for her right now. But unfortunately, that's not how Abby feels. That's really the thing about her mother: she always says Clarke can talk to her, but she never really listens to, or understands, what her daughter has to say. Oh well, whatever, she might not be able to change her mom, but at least she can tell Lexa it worked...

"Clarke?" Lexa asks from her throne when she sees her entering the room with tear tracks on her cheeks and a blank expression. Clarke seems too busy worrying her mind with whatever it is that's bothering her that she doesn't even notice Lexa's presence. Actually, the Commander is pretty sure Clarke doesn't even realize where she is right now. Not understanding what the hell is going on, Lexa can't help but become worried as she moves to stand from her throne. She walks towards Clarke, who has yet to look at her, and tries again to get the girl's attention.

"Clarke? Clarke, what's wrong?" Only when Lexa places a hand on her shoulder does Clarke finally raise her head to look at Lexa. She's almost surprised to see her standing in front of her, and she darts her eyes around the room as if to figure out where she is.

Clarke's confusion only makes Lexa worry even more. "Clarke, what happened? Did your mother disagree to join the coalition?"

Clarke looks back at Lexa for a moment before closing the distance between them, embracing the other girl tightly in her arms. Lexa is left dumbstruck for a second, still trying to understand what's the meaning of Clarke's strange behavior. But she soon collects herself, returning the hug just as fiercely.

"My mother said yes." Clarke mumbles after a while. "We'll become the 13th clan."

"I knew I was right to have faith in you." Lexa smiles as she leans down to place a soft kiss on Clarke's hair. Her words, though, only manage to bring more tears to Clarke's eyes.

As soon as Lexa feels the wetness on the skin of her neck, her smile falters and worry overcomes her again. She gently leans back so she can look her in the eyes. Clarke feels so vulnerable right now she can't even bring her gaze up to meet Lexa's. Of course, she knows she'd only be finding understanding in those beautiful green eyes, but she still can't get herself to look up at her. Since Clarke doesn't move, Lexa places her hands on both her cheeks, and starts wiping the tears away with her thumbs. Then, very gently, she starts tilting the girl's head up. "Please, tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?"

Shaking her head and chuckling lightly at the emotional mess that she is, Clarke places a hand on her cheek over Lexa's. "I'm sorry. It's just... It's stupid, really. Don't worry about it." She attempts a smile, but that doesn't seem to be convincing enough for Lexa.

"It's not stupid if it made you cry. You can tell me. You know I won't judge you." She strokes her thumb over Clarke's cheek to reassure her even more.

"That's the thing. You don't ever judge me." Clarke starts saying as she moves away from Lexa's touch. "You've always placed your faith in me, even when we were just two strangers to each other. You've always been reluctant to trust other people, but for some reason, you've always trusted me." Lexa looks at her with a look of confusion, not understanding where this is going. "After killing Finn, I was drowning in my own guilt. But then you came around and told me about Costia. You told me love was weakness, and… I knew you were wrong. I did. But I still believed you hard enough to be able put myself back together." Clarke comes back to stand right in front of Lexa before finishing. "I don't know how you do it. But you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better."

Now Lexa's eyes are watery as well. All she's ever wanted was for Clarke to be okay, and knowing her words helped feel better just makes her the happiest person in the world.

"Your mother's only ever seen the Commander's side of me. Give her time, she'll come round at some point." Lexa looks down and takes Clarke's hand into hers. she remains focused on their joined hands or a moment, then she looks back up at Clarke with determination in her eyes. "I'll make sure she knows I'm more than just the heartless Commander who abandoned you at Mount Weather."

"You're not heartless, Lexa. You're quite possibly the most caring person I've ever met. You care about each every one of your people with all your heart. you care about me. And I know deep down you care about my people too." A warm smile appears on her face as she speaks the next words. "And once again, you knew exactly what was bothering me, and what I needed to hear to feel better. I don't think a heartless person would be able to that." Lexa returns the smile as Clarke cups her cheek and wipes away a tear with her thumb.

They stay like that for a little while, until Clarke decides to close the distance between them, embracing Lexa in a warm hug. Not letting go of the other woman, Clarke whispers softly in her ear. "I think you're my soulmate, _Leksa kom Trikru_."

"Soulmate?"

"Yeah. It's… like a best friend. But more." Clarke moves out of the embrace so she can face Lexa as she explains. "I mean, you're the one person in the world who knows me better than anyone else. You even make me a better person. Because you inspire me… to be better." Clarke pauses briefly, giving Lexa time for her words to sink in. "I know, you're the one person I will carry with me forever. Cuz… Lexa, you're the only one who knows me, and accepts me, and believes in me, before anyone else does. Or when no one else will." Clarke places her hand back on Lexa's cheeks as she stares straight into her eyes to say the last part. "_Ai hod yu in, Leksa kom Trikru_. I love you now, and I'll love you forever. Nothing could change that." And with that she leans in and kisses Lexa with all the love she can convey.

They kiss slowly until they need to part for air. Keeping her forehead pressed to Clarke's, Lexa finally finds her voice again to let the woman know how she feels. "I love you too_, Klark kom Skaikru_."

Not that Clarke needed to hear it anyway. Of course, she knows Lexa feels the same way about her, she'd known that from the moment she told her "Not everyone. Not you.". But still, it's really nice to hear her say the actual words. The grins appearing on both their faces in the moment are so big they could as well light up the whole city in the darkest of nights. Their eyes get watery again as they lean in to kiss on more time. It's just quick a kiss, but it carries nonetheless all the love they feel for each other. Plus, they'll have plenty of time to kiss once the ceremony is over, and the deal with _Skaikru_ is sealed.

Speaking of, Clarke suddenly realizes that she doesn't really know how said ceremony will work. All she knows for sure is that she'll have to bow to the Commander of the 12 clans, but besides that she's clueless. That's why she decides to take advantage of the moment to ask Lexa for more details.

"So about-"

"Maybe we should-"

They start at the same time, blushing and cutting themselves short. They look at each other in silence for a little while, neither wanting to speak first. Finally, Clarke takes the initiative and starts talking again.

"About tonight's ceremony... I... I don't really know what we're supposed to do. To become the 13th clan, I mean." The timid look on Clarke's face makes Lexa smile in amusement. The girl is so adorable. How can she and _Wanheda_ be the same person is beyond her understanding.

"Well... _Wanheda_ is expected to bow to the Commander in display of the fact that your power is now joined with mine. Then, to symbolize our union, the leader of _Skaikru_ needs to be marked with the coalition's emblem."

"And that's going to be either my mom or Kane." Clarke says in a defeated tone. "There's no way they'll never recognize me as their leader…"

"Well, actually… That might be a good thing..." Seeing Clarke's questioning look, Lexa continues to explain. "We need an ambassador from each clan to stay here in Polis. And I was thinking... I thought that maybe you could be the ambassador for Skaikru."

A smirk appears on Clarke's face as she speaks. "Is that your way of asking me to move in with you, _Heda_?"

"Maybe. I mean… Would you? Stay here in Polis with me?"

"Remember when outside Mount Weather you asked me what I wanted, and I said nothing?" Lexa hums in affirmation and Clarke continues. "You said I should've come with you to the Capital, that Polis would've changed the way I thought about you."

"And you said I already had."

Clarke's gives her a confirming nod. "I might not have been ready to be with you at the time, but of one thing I'm sure. I was already deeply, madly in love with you, _Heda_." Clarke moves closer to Lexa, and takes hold of her hand. After intertwining their fingers, she goes on talking. "I do know what I want now, Lexa. I want you. It doesn't matter where I live… here or in Arkadia… I just wanna be with you. You are my home."

"Your people might not be very happy with your choice to stay here."

"I don't care. Everything I ever did on the ground has been for my people. I'd like be selfish for once and do something for me. I mean, I love them, but… I'm kind of tired of fighting for their lives as I can barely survive in the meantime. Maybe it's time you and I get to live too. Don't you think we've earned that?"

"Maybe we have." It's barely above a whisper, but Clarke hears it loud and clear. And with that, she moves in to kiss Lexa one more time.

* * *

_"You sent for me?"_

_"Yes. Octavia has nothing to fear from me. I do trust you, Clarke."_

_"I know how hard that is for you."_

_"You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive."_

_"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?"_

_"Maybe we do."_

Yeah. They definitely do.


	4. Your enemy is our enemy

It's sunset by the time everything is ready for the summit. Lexa's throne room has been set up to host the ceremony with a long red carpet the goes from the doors to the steps at the feet of her throne. It fits quite perfectly, Clarke thinks, that the Commander of Death has to walk her way towards the Commander of Blood on a crimson rug.

Everyone else is already inside, standing by one side of the red carpet and waiting for Clarke to make her entrance. Or better, they're all waiting for _Wanheda_. That's who she'll have to be, at least for tonight. The broken former Sky leader will have to wait outside those doors. Thankfully, the handmaids Lexa sent to help her get ready did an amazing job in making her look like the powerful woman everybody is expecting to see. She is dressed in a gown with a high side vent that leaves her legs visible, the top is covered by a golden leather corset which all but sets off her cleavage. Then there's her hair, held away from her face and arranged in a series of intricate braids, reflecting the grounders' traditional hairstyle. Two stripes of war paint go from each one of her eyes to her hairline. Everything about her makes her appear like a powerful grounder commander.

"_Yumi na teik won sonraun au_?" And will you take a life with me?

_"Medo ste thonken, medo drein au."_ A body's hollow, a body bleeds.

Clarke hears the beautiful voice of the singer starting to sing as the guards open the doors to let her into the room. She takes a moment to look at the people in the room, everyone's staring at her expectantly. Taking a deep breath, Clarke holds her head up high, as she's seen Lexa do many times before, and she _walks in._

_"Oso kik raun ogeda, soulou."_ We live as one, we live alone.

_"Ai laik yu gona._" I am your soldier.

_"Ai na get raun, you_." I will atone.

Clarke's breath gets caught as soon as her eyes land on Lexa's form, standing tall in front of her. They didn't have the chance to see each other before the beginning of the summit, so they're both mesmerized by sight of the other. They don't let it show, of course. Nonetheless, if you paid close attention, you could totally tell they are staring languidly at one another as their eyes study single detail of the other's dress, hair and make-up. Lexa looks as ruthless as she does while wearing her armor, but all Clarke can think of is that this is the first time she's ever seen her in a gown, and she is stunning. Lexa is wearing a long black and crimson dress that leaves her arms and her cleavage on display. Her hair is held back in her usual braids, but her war paint is simpler than the one she wears for battle. Like Clarke's, it shapes into two stripes that go from her eyes to her hairline. As she walks, Clarke can't help but notice Lexa has a tattoo on her upper right arm. She wonders what's the story behind it, but that of course is something that will have to wait for later. Right now, she needs to focus on keeping her back straight, and on walking without tripping on her own feet, so that the mighty Wanheda won't make a complete fool of herself in front of all these people.

_"Yumi na teik won sonraun au?_" And will you take a life with me?

_"Ai keryon gyon op, ai keryon g' breik au_." My soul moves on, my soul is freed.

Clarke comes to a stop in front of Lexa, as the voice in the background sings these words. They stare deeply in each other's eyes, and for a moment it feels like it's just the two of them in the room. Their eyes shine with a newfound resolution, and it seems like they're saying that yes, they will take a life with the other. The words of the song reflect perfectly what Clarke feels right now. Thanks to Lexa her soul is able to move on from all the horror and loss she's experienced in her life, and now it's finally free. Free to love the woman standing in front of her with all of her heart, and free to take a life with her.

"_Pas skaikrasha, klin tristraka_," After the storm, a lightning flash,

"_En houd don gon hosh trashsaka_." With all the world reduced to ash.

Clarke is lost in her thoughts, until the singer moves on to the next verse of the song. Brought out of her reverie, she remembers that it's now time for her to bow to Lexa. Before anyone can notice the way the two commanders are staring at each other, she bows her head, and very slowly, she moves to kneel down on one knee. Staring at the floor as sign of respect and submission, Clarke cannot see the look on Lexa's face. She doesn't notice the way her eyes sparkle with unshed tears, or the way her mouth opens slightly in awe. Thankfully, years of training in hiding her emotions help Lexa keep it together in front of her warriors. No one notices the way her eyes water up as Lexa's mind darts off to that damned day when she had to leave Clarke behind in order to save her people. She remembers how bad she felt when she set foot back into camp that night, praying to whatever god that's up there that Clarke was still alive. She wouldn't dare to hope that Clarke might forgive her after her betrayal, but as long as she was okay, it didn't matter if the woman hated her for the rest of her life. Thank God, Clarke did make it out of it alive. But only for the Ice Queen to go and threaten her life to win over _Wanheda_'s power. Lexa can't believe she's almost lost yet another person she loves at the hands of Queen Nia. But Clarke is here now. She's safe here in Polis by her side. Not only did she manage to protect her from _Azgeda_, but she also got Clarke to forgive her, and even more, to love her.

_"Yumi na teik won sonraun au?" _And will you take a life with me?

_"Houd na fleim daun, bed' ge jok au." _This world will burn, save what you need.

Lexa keeps her eyes fixed on Clarke's figure until everyone else in the room falls on their knees before her. The first one to follow in on Clarke's action is Prince Roan of _Azgeda_, to Lexa's great surprise. The last ones, instead, are Marcus and Abby, which doesn't surprise her at all. With that, Lexa takes a deep breath to regain her composure. She cannot let her voice waver as she addresses the people bowing to her. She's their leader, and leaders cannot be weak. Emotion is weakness. She can hear Titus's voice reaping it to her over and over again. Lexa moves her eyes quickly around the room, before tilting her head to her right to look at the singer, waiting for her to finish the song.

_"Ai nou fir raun," _I am fearless_,_

_"Ai mana jomp in," _I am to fight_,_

_"Ai mana wan open," _I am to die,

_"Ai don sin y'in." _You're in my sight.

_"Yumi na teik_ _won sonraun au?" _And will you take a life with me?

_"Jus drein jus draun," _Blood must have blood,

_"Ai medo drein au." _My body bleeds_._

When the song is over, Lexa brings her gaze back on the people knelt in front of her. And with her head held high, she finally greets them: "Hail, warriors of the 12 clans."

"Hail, Commander of Blood." The assembly replies in chorus.

"Rise." Lexa waits for everyone to be back on their feet, and for Clarke to walk to her mother's side before continuing. "We welcome _Skaikru_ to our halls, in spirit of friendship and harmony. And we welcome _Klark kom Skaikru_, legendary _Wanheda_, Mountain Slayer. The reason for the summit has changed. We are not here to negotiate a treaty with the _Skaikru_, but rather to initiate them into the Coalition."

Loud murmurs fill the room as soon as the warriors assimilate what she just said. But their voices are soon cut off by Lexa's clear voice.

"To symbolize this union the leader of _Skaikru_ must bear our mark." She looks down at Kane and Abby, expecting the choice to rest on either one of them, as Clarke had told her. She stares at them attentively, as they look at each other. Finally, Abby leans in to say something to Marcus. Lexa can't quite make out what is said from where she's standing, but their gestures are enough to let her know ù he is going to be the one to bear the coalition mark.

"Present your arm." She orders after nodding to him.

Right as the white-hot metal mark is pressed on his forearm, the doors burst open, and three people break into the room. Lexa recognizes two of them as _Octavia kom Skaikru_ and her brother Bellamy, who is holding one of her guards at gun point. She has no idea who the other man is, but she reasons he must be one of Clarke's people as well. Having no clue of what's happening, Lexa looks at Clarke worriedly. But her worry only increases since Clarke looks just as surprised as her to see her friends standing there by the doors. The first one to recover from the shock of the irruption is Titus. The bald man gives them looks at them threateningly as he demands an explanation as to what is going on. Bellamy's voice is just as harsh as he answers, claiming the summit to be a trap.

"We have to get you out here." He says, motioning for Clarke to follow them out.

The summit's a trap? No, it can't be right. Lexa promised. She… she promised she wouldn't betray her again. There's no way this is a trap. Right? Clarke is more confused than ever as she turns to look at Lexa. She wants to trust her with all her heart, and she does. But there's still a part of her that wonders if she really can trust her. So she asks, just to be sure.

"What the hell is going on?!"

"I don't know."

Lexa doesn't know? Oh, thank God! She has nothing to do with this. Clarke lets out a breath of relief, although she's not sure whether that should make her feel better or worse. Considering no one knows what's going on, and she's never seen Lexa being so alarmed before.

"It's the Ice Nation." Bellamy explains. As if that meant anything at all.

"They're only trying to deceive you, _Heda_. _Azgeda_ has nothing to do with what's happening. _Skaikru_ is clearly the one behind all of this." An Ice warrior attempts a lame defense, but he's soon silenced by the rise of Lexa's hand. Her gaze is penetrating Bellamy's skull as she asks where they've come by that information. The three companions start looking around the room as if searching for the person who has all the answers.

"Where the hell is Echo?" Octavia hisses towards her brother.

"What's going on?" Kane interjects, but the only answer he gets is another question from Bellamy.

"Where the hell is she?"

"Bellamy, we were wrong about this."

"I don't understand..."

Seeing as the situation is only getting more and more confusing by the second, Kane orders his people to lower their weapons, in the hope of finding a solution which doesn't include the use of violence.

"Bellamy? Bellamy, come in." A voice cracks from the radio attached to his belt. It's Raven. "The grounders attacked Mount Weather." Her broken words leave everyone in shock.

Bellamy takes the radio in his hand quickly, before asking for a further explanation. "What are you talking about?"

"It's gone. They're all gone. Sinclair and I are the only ones left." Raven takes a moment before starting to whisper broken apologies into the radio. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You should've never moved your people back into Mount Weather." Everyone's startled by the voice of the Ice warrior who had just spoken moments before. "The Ice Nation did what Lexa was too weak to do!"

"This is an act of war!" Lexa hisses towards the man, and her voice is so cold and threatening that it terrifies even Clarke. "Sentries, arrest the Ice Nation delegation! Including the prince." She shouts at the two guards standing at her side, and they immediately execute their orders.

"We need to go home. If they attacked Mount Weather, Arkadia could be next." Abby says, to which Kane agrees immediately.

"Go. I'll raise an army from the Coalition to help you defend Arkadia. Your enemy is our enemy now. We'll face this threat together."

"_Mochof, Heda_." A small smile appears on Lexa's face when she hears Marcus thanking her in _Trigedasleng_.

"Are you coming?" Abby asks Clarke, to which she answers without hesitation.

"They need an ambassador from our clan to stay here in Polis."

"Clarke, it's not safe for you here?" Funny how it took Bellamy three months to fight for her to come back home. The problem is, Arkadia's not her home anymore. She belongs here with Lexa.

"I'll be safe here under Lexa's protection."

"Please tell me you didn't forgive her. She left us to die at Mount Weather not more than three months ago! Or did you forget?!"

"I'm sorry, Bellamy. But my home's here now." Clarke says the last part looking straight at Lexa.

With that, Bellamy gives up and turns around to make his way out, with the others following right after. All but Abby, who goes to hug Clarke goodbye before leaving.

"Be safe."

"You too."


	5. Costia

After learning about the attack at Mount Weather by the hands of _Azgeda_, Lexa had called an extraordinary war council, in which took part the generals and ambassadors of every clan, apart from the Ice Nation. It took them a whole of five hours to agree to a plan of action to face this new threat. It didn't matter if Skaikru had just become a new member of the Coalition, the other clans still weren't easy to get on Clarke's people's side. Most of the generals were still reluctant to work with them, and many of them didn't like the idea of going at war against a clan which had fought by their side at Mount Weather.

Clarke and Lexa still don't know how it happened, but eventually they did manage to come to an agreement. Now each clan is meant to send a part of their best warriors to place a small defensive block around Arkadia. A few of the most valuable scouts will be sent in the woods surrounding the Sky people's home. They're job is to warn the army about a possible advance of the Ice Queen forces towards Arkadia. In case of a sighting of the _Azgeda_ soldiers a couple of messengers will ride to Polis, where a bigger army will be ready to march to Arkadia, and support _Skaikru_ in the fight against the Ice Nation. Of course, if it comes to that, Clarke and Lexa will join the battle alongside their warriors, as their roles require them to do.

It's midnight by the time everyone has left. The last one to exit the throne room is Titus, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone. The room still hosts the decorations and objects used for the summit, but the two _hedas_ had had the time to go and change into their armors before the meeting began. Well, at least Lexa's wearing her armor, as for Clarke, she's wearing more casual clothes.

They stay put for a moment, both of them lingering in the long awaited silence. Then finally, Clarke decides it's time for them to leave the room as well. She goes for the door, expecting Lexa to follow her cue, but as she's about to step outside Clarke realizes the other woman is not behind her. Lexa didn't move at all actually. She's still inside staring ahead towards her throne.

"You're not coming?" Clarke asks as steps back into the room.

"I'll only be a moment." She says it with a reassuring smile, but Clarke's still hesitant to leave. "You should go get some sleep, Clarke. It's been a long day."

"Yeah well, not just for me. It's been a long day for you too, _Heda_." She says walking towards Lexa so she can stand right in front of her. Lexa can't help but smirk at Clarke's attempt to be formal, and makes the other woman smile brightly at her. If their people saw them right now, smiling at each other like idiots… but thankfully, it's just the two of them right now, and they can finally be lovers, and not leaders. So, they simply stay like that for a few seconds, staring at each other and enjoying the peace and quiet after the chaos that the summit had turned to be.

Finally, it's Clarke to break the silence with a heavy sigh. In an instant, shame takes over her features and she can no longer stand to look at Lexa. As she moves her eyes to the floor, Clarke starts to apologize. "I'm sorry my people interrupted the ceremony like that."

"Hey, you have nothing to apologize for." Lexa puts one hand on Clarke's shoulder to give it a gentle squeeze, and with her other one she grabs her chin to tilt her head up. Once their eyes meet again, she speaks. "They were only doing what they believed would keep you safe."

"Maybe. But still... They shouldn't have killed three of your guards like that."

Lexa gives her a shrug as if to say she doesn't have to worry about it, it's not a big deal. But then it's her turn to be ashamed, and to avoid Clarke's gaze. "If someone needs to apologize, that's me. It was my people who destroyed the Mountain, killing yours in the process. I know all too well what Nia is capable of, I've tested it on my own skin. But still I let her into my Coalition. I shouldn't have trusted her. I shouldn't..." Lexa's voice cracks, and she's on the verge of tears when she vigorously shakes her head. "I'm so sorry. If I hadn't…"

"Hey, stop." Clarke interjects, and moves her hands to her face to wipe away the tears that are now flowing down Lexa's cheeks. "What happened today at Mount Weather was beyond your control. This is not your fault, Lexa." Lexa doesn't seem convinced, so Clarke looks her straight in the eyes with a dead serious expression, and she repeats herself. "This. Is not. Your fault. Do you hear me? You can blame yourself all you want for betraying us, but you cannot blame yourself for the ones who died today. Okay? Promise me you won't blame yourself."

"Okay." She sighs. "I promise."

"Good." Clarke gives her a kind smile before leaning in to kiss her briefly.

"I love you, _Heda_." She whispers on Lexa's lips when they part. They keep their eyes closed as their foreheads are pressed together. When Clarke opens her eyes at last, she's met by the sight of two watery green orbs, and her heart immediately fills with worry. She wonders what she's said wrong to make Lexa cry all over again.

"What's wrong? What did I say?"

"It's just... I've never thought I'd hear you say that."

"Say what? That I love you? Because you're gonna have to get used to it, since I plan on telling every single day. For the rest of our lives." Lexa's smile is so big and bright when she repeats those words that it makes Clarke's heart melt. "I love you, Lexa." And that's when Clarke mentally promises herself to say those three little words any time she can, if that what it takes to see Lexa smile so beautifully.

"I love you too." She says with a big smile before turning towards the windows. "I'm gonna sit outside for a moment. I like watching the city at night. It's the only time when everything is quiet and peaceful. It's soothing." She turns back to look at Clarke. "Maybe you can come sit with me tonight. If you want to."

"I'd love to." And with that Clarke grabs Lexa's hand, and they go outside on the balcony behind the Commander's throne.

They sit side by side in silence for a long time. But it's not an uncomfortable kind of silence, on the contrary, they really enjoy the moment. It feels really good to revel in each other's presence as they look over a sleeping Polis. Clarke takes everything in, every detail of every building. It's actually the first time that she stops to give the city a proper look. It's beautiful, for what she can see in the darkness of the night. And Lexa's right, the peace and quiet are actually soothing.

"You don't believe there's a chance _Azgeda_ won't attack my people, do you?" Clarke whispers as she rests her head on Lexa's strong shoulder.

"No." Lexa sighs. "I'm afraid we cannot avoid this war."

"I wish we could stay like this forever. It's nice to have a moment just for ourselves."

"I have a sparring session with the Nightbloods tomorrow morning. You can watch us if you want to. And then I could take you for a tour of the city."

"Are you offering me to come see you flexing your perfectly toned muscles, _Heda_? Because you have to do better than that to seduce me." Clarke jokes, but her amused look falters as soon as she hears Lexa's low and seducing voice next to her ear.

"Do I?"

It takes Clarke all the self-control that she can master in order not to show just how turned on she already is. Too afraid to raise her head and look at Lexa, she can still feel the Commander's eyes on her. Finally, she can't resist anymore, so she gives up her fight. When she turns up her head, Clarke is met with Lexa's green orbs, which have taken a much darker shade as they stare right back at her. And there goes that little self- control she had left. She can feel her eyes darkening too as she leans in to kiss Lexa. It's nothing like the kisses they've exchanged before. This one is heated and hungry, all teeth and tongues. Their hands start wandering over their bodies as well, touching everything within their reach. Their chests are completely pressed together by the time Clarke feels Lexa's cold hand on the skin of her lower back. Reluctantly, she leans back, earning a whimper from the other woman at the loss of touch.

"We should take this to a bedroom, don't you think?"

"Mine's closer." And with that they jump on their feet and all but rush to Lexa's room.

They spend hours making love to each other, and discovering every inch of their bodies. At last, their muscles are so sore, they cannot get them to move anymore without hurting. So, they just lie down on their sides and talk. They talk about anything and everything, explaining some of their people's traditions to one another, and simply enjoying the chance to share all of themselves with the person they love.

Lexa tells Clarke how the Conclave to choose a new Commander works. She explains that all the Nightbloods she and Titus are training here in Polis will have to fight each other until only one of them is left alive. The winner will be her successor, the one to host her spirit. She also tells Clarke that the most promising of the novitiates is Aden, a very smart and strong kid. Clarke can't help but notice how Lexa's face lights up when she talks about her pupils, and how proud she is of each one of them. The brightness of Lexa's eyes and the love in her voice let Clarke know just how much she cares about these children, who are like a family to her. Then Lexa tells her own story about how she became the new Commander. Clarke learns there were a total of nine novitiates in her Conclave, and that Lexa has tattooed on her back the memory of all of her friends. When she insists on studying her tattoo better, Lexa turns to face away from her, and she closes her eyes as Clarke's gentle touch ghosts over the ink lines on her back.

"This is beautiful."

"It's a circle for every _Natblida_ that died."

"Seven circles... I thought you said there were nine novitiates in your Conclave." Clarke sates, remembering what Lexa has just told her.

"There were." It's only a soft whisper, but Clarke hears it loud and clear.

She's curious to learn more about it now. "What happened to number eight?"

"Nia killed her."

Clarke regrets her question as soon as she hears the crack in Lexa's voice. She doesn't need her to say the name. She knows exactly who Lexa is talking about. "Costia. She was a Nightblood too?" When Lexa turns to face her again, Clarke notices her beautiful green eyes are sparkling with unshed tears.

"We didn't mean to fall in love. We weren't supposed to." Clarke grabs her hand and gives it a small squeeze to give her the strength to continue. "We'd both been taken away from our families at a very young age. As children we soon became very close; best friends you could say. It was no news that we were inseparable. But what the others didn't know was that with time we got closer in a different way. I think we'd always been in love with each other. But as kids we were just too young to realize what that feeling was." When Lexa pauses, Clarke keeps quiet because she doesn't want to pressure her. What Lexa adds next makes the both of them laugh. "You can imagine Titus's face when he caught us making out in a hallway before our lesson."

"I'm afraid he's not a big fan of me either." She chuckles.

"Yeah... He believes that to be a Commander is to be alone."

"Love is weakness." Clarke says in her best impression of the bald man. "Now I know who you learned that from."

"Yeah well… Fortunately for you, I know better than to listen to him now." Lexa chuckles, soon joined by Clarke.

When they both turn serious again, Lexa takes a deep breath to go on telling her story. "We had a plan. It was a reckless one, but it was also the only way for neither of us to have to kill the other. We were both sixteen when the Commander died in battle. At the beginning of the Conclave it was already clear that I was the most likely to win. Costia always told me I was the smartest and strongest of all the _Natblida_, but I'd never believed her. I thought she only said that to make me feel good, because I was her girlfriend." They both smile at that, understanding the feeling all too well.

"The night before the final round of the Conclave began, Costia and I ran into the woods, and I helped her escape. Of course, Titus knew the truth, but he told everyone Costia was dead, and I became the new Commander. For two years, I had to listen to Titus's reprimands every time I'd snuck out in the middle of the night to go meet Costia in the woods surrounding Polis. Unfortunately, the dark did nothing to hide me from the eyes of Queen Nia's scouts, who were stationed along the path that led to our usual meeting point. Thinking about it now, it would've been wiser had we changed place from time to time. I mean, I'd always been aware that the Nia was jealous of my power, and that she wanted the Commander's throne for herself. But what I didn't know was that she knew exactly what my only weakness was."

Clarke gives her hand another gentle squeeze before Lexa turns to lie on her back. In doing so, she doesn't let go of Clarke's hand, who ends up tucked into Lexa's side, her head resting on her chest.

"For my eighteenth birthday Costia and I had planned to meet at midnight, and spend the rest of the day together. It was supposed to be our very first time together in the light of day in two years. After so long of just sneaking around into the woods for a couple of hours each the night, I was finally going to spend an entire day with the girl I loved. A whole of 24 hours to get tired of each other's presence." Lexa smiles to herself at the memory. She was the happiest girl in the whole world when Costia told her what her birthday present was going to be. She was so excited that in the days before her birthday she'd barely gotten a few hours of sleep. Finally, the day of her birthday, she'd left the tower at dawn and she'd skipped all the way to where Costia was going to be waiting for her.

Lexa realizes she's been crying when she feels Clarke's arms circle her waist in a tight embrace. Just like Costia, Clarke always knows what she needs. She guesses these are the perks of being in love: you understand the other person better than yourself. Lexa rests her chin on Clarke's head for a moment as she attempts to stop other tears from flowing down her cheeks. When she's positive no more are coming for the moment, she leans down to press a loving kiss to Clarke's hair. It's her way of thanking the blonde for giving her comfort and strength. She doesn't voice the words because she knows Clarke will understand. To prove her right, a moment later she feels Clarke's arms squeezing her sides lightly. Again, no words are needed because Lexa knows exactly what Clarke is thinking. "You're welcome, love."

They revel in their hug for a moment more, then Lexa continues her story. "I waited for Costia all day long, but she never showed up. Titus found me at night sitting against the trunk of a fallen tree and sobbing heavily in my knees. He was the only one to know Costia and I were still meeting, and where. He got worried when a messenger from the Ice Nation showed up to deliver a message for me from Queen Nia in person. After ordering for the man to be locked in prison, Titus came looking for me in the woods. He told me what Nia's messenger had told him: _Azgeda_ had the Commander's lover, and they were going to torture her until she'd revealed all of my secrets. If the girl refused to talk… the Queen would 've killed her." A strangled sob leaves her lips, and Clarke tightens her arms around her middle again.

"Sssh. You can stop now." As Clarke whispers those words, Lexa feels wetness on her skin, and it takes her a moment to realize the other woman is crying as well.

"No. No, I… I have to this. I have to let it out. It's been haunting me for too long."

"I'm so sorry. I just feel so helpless. You're hurting, and there's nothing I can do to make it better."

"That's not true. The pain for losing Costia will never go away, Clarke. But laying in your arms makes it hurt a little less. It doesn't feel like I'm drowning anymore. With you I can finally breathe through this sorrow again."

Lexa feels Clarke's lips pressing softly onto her chest, and then she hears her murmuring in her skin: "I'm here. Keep breathing. I'm not going anywhere." With that Lexa takes a deep breath and speaks again.

"I'm sure you can tell Titus isn't a big fan of showing affection and emotion. But I'll never forget his strong arms keeping me from falling as I sobbed into his chest. He stood by my side the whole time as I was trying to figure out a way to save Costia. My people all believed her to be dead, I couldn't just send a rescue party to get her back. Whatever we were going to do, it had to be done in the dark." Lexa stops to take a few deep breaths, and Clarke can tell that what's coming next is going to be pretty hard for her to say.

"I was discussing a possible plan of action with my most trustworthy generals, when a guard told me a new messenger from _Azgeda_ had arrived. The man carried something for me, a small box, and he was waiting for me in my chambers." Lexa takes another deep breath, and this time Clarke is terrified by what might follow.

"Not only had Nia killed the girl I loved… she had also cut off her head, and delivered it to my bed."

"Oh my God." Clarke is horrified by such an image. How could a person ever do that to someone else?

"I let Queen Nia into my alliance, because I needed her warriors to fight by my side in the war against the Mountain Men. That was the first time I made a decision with my head, and not with my heart." Lexa pauses a second. "_Jus drein, jus daun_. That's what my people say all the time. But sometimes blood must not have blood."

With that Lexa concludes her story. She stays silent for a moment as she stares up at the ceiling. Finally, she turns in Clarke's arms so they can face each other. Lexa slips her arms around Clarke's waist mirroring her position. Then a soft thumb comes up to caress her cheek, drying the remaining tears in the process. After a second, she feels Clarke's soft lips pressing sweetly on her forehead, where her gear usually lies. When Clarke leans back, Lexa tucks her head under her chin, and she closes her eyes.

She's exhausted. They both are. So, eventually they let sleep take over their features.

"_Reshop, Heda_." Clarke murmurs in Lexa's hair.

"Goodnight, Ambassador." She smiles lazily as they both fall asleep, safe in each other's arms.


	6. The calm before a storm

A week later.

Clarke has been training with the Nightbloods every day for the past week. She's figured that gaining some fighting skills before going to war isn't such a bad idea. Of course, she already knows how to shoot a gun, and in the months spent into the woods, she's become quite good with a knife too. Her aim could definitely be improved, as it's not nearly as deadly as Lexa's. But most of the times she manages to throw her knife and catch her target, even from a very long distance. As for other weapons, Clarke's always been envious of Octavia's sword fighting skills, but she's never had time to train with her. In her defense, to take down Mount Weather they needed to be able to use a gun more than anything else, since the enemy was armed with fire weapons as well. But the enemy they're about to face now is going to use swords, knives, and spears. The Ice Nation warriors are skilled in hand-to-hand combat and, if she wants to have a chance of surviving and winning this battle, she needs to learn how to fight like them. And that leads us to why she spends as much time as she can sparring with either Aden or Lexa. Truth is, Clarke prefers sparring with Aden a lot more. For one, because it's almost impossible for her to stay focused when her beautiful girlfriend is standing right in front of her, covered in sweat and flexing all of her muscles. And second, Aden is a much more patient teacher.

Although it's barely past dawn, Clarke and Aden have already been sparring for an hour or so. Lexa had to attend an early meeting with some clan leaders to discuss a possible increase of food supplies coming from the capital. Since Clarke didn't feel like staying in bed alone, she got up as well and went looking for the boy. All the Nightbloods have been very eager to spend time with her this past week, so when she showed up in their room this morning, they practically jumped out of their beds to get ready for the training session. Clarke imagines these kids must miss their families very much, and that's why they got so attached to Lexa. And now her too. What surprises her most, though, is how quickly she's grown fond of each one of them as well. They're like the little brothers and sisters she couldn't have on the Ark.

"You're getting much better at this." Aden says earning a snort from the girl underneath him.

"Says the boy who just pinned me to the ground for the fourth time in a row." Aden shrugs before moving away from on top of her to help her up.

"I've been doing this for years. It took me much longer than a week to come as far as you have."

"Guess your teacher wasn't as good as mine." Clarke says with a conspiratorial smirk.

"Lexa might disagree." He chuckles.

"Please. She does nothing but praise you all the time." Clarke gives him a gentle shove on the shoulder.

"That's because I'm her favorite." He shrugs as a small smile appears on both of their faces.

"That's because you deserve it. You'd make a great _Heda_ if her spirit chose you."

"Thank you, _Wanheda_."

"Please, just call me Clarke." For a whole week, she's been trying to get the Nightbloods to let go of the formalities, but it seems as though they really cannot stop calling her _Wanheda_.

Aden smiles at Clarke's annoyed tone. He knows she dislikes the appellative, but to him and his companions it's just something to be proud of. Only one of them will have the honor of being called Commander. The others will have to train for years for nothing. But Clarke, she's the Commander of death. Her power is envied among all clans, Queen Nia of _Azgeda_ herself is trying to have it for herself. And Clarke doesn't even want it. Worst. She despises it and rejects it continuously. But he guesses that's because _Skaikru_'s culture is very different from theirs. They give value to different things, and they don't take pride in such a name as _Wanheda_. He understands the problem isn't with _heda_ at all. It's death. Clarke doesn't like to be reminded of all of the people who died because of her. He gets that. But there's something Titus taught them right from the beginning: leaders are called to make hard choices, and they cannot escape the consequences of their decisions; leaders must never forget those who died at their hands, but no matter how much blood they have on their hands, they must own their name and keep on leading.

"Alright. Let's try this again." Clarke gets in position, and then adds in a resolute tone: "don't go easy on me"

"Careful what you wish for, Clarke."

With that they start sparring again. They keep at it for a good couple of hours. This time Clarke is more focused, and she even goes close to sending him to the ground a couple times. If that counts as an improvement.

Finally, they're too tired and thirsty to keep that up, so they choose to continue their training another day. They are standing by the side of the training area, drinking some fresh water, when Clarke feels a small hand tapping on her back. She turns to see two big blue eyes looking up at her. She smiles softly at the little girl standing in front of her as she crouches down to be at the same eye level as her.

"_Sha, Trish_?"

"Can you show us those knife tricks of yours again? We'd like to learn some." The little girl asks sheepishly, making Clarke smile even harder at how adorable she is.

"Of course." Clarke takes Trish by the hand to drag her where the other _Natblida_ are standing. "You coming?" She asks Aden.

"I don't know... Is it safe? I think I'd rather stay out of harm's way." He mocks her, to which the girl answers with an amused shake of her head and an ironic "Very funny."

The kids stare at her in awe as she shows off her best tricks, making each of them try ever so often. She's teaching the youngest _Naitblida_ to throw a knife at a moving subject when she feels some movement behind her back. Startled, she turns quickly to throw the knife at whoever is approaching from behind. It takes her a second to recognize the person as Octavia, but it's still too late for her to stop the weapon flying straight to her friend's face. Thankfully, Lincoln is walking right behind his girlfriend, and he's fast enough to realize what's happening and get her out the way just in time. As the knife ends up sticking to a wall behind them, they all sigh in relief.

"Damn Clarke, is this a way to greet your friends now?!" Octavia jokes.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" She rushes to her friends to make sure they're alright as the kids burst out laughing.

"There's nothing funny about this! I was a moment away from getting stabbed!" Octavia pouts, making them laugh even harder.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that." Clarke says retrieving the knife from where it's stuck in the wall. Once she's secured the weapon back to its place on her thigh, she moves to greet her friends properly. "What are you doing here?" She says as she brings them in for a quick hug.

"We thought it'd be better if we delivered the message ourselves: the Ice Nation army is only a couple of days away from Arkadia. We've already talked to Lexa, and she's now getting the Coalition's army ready to march back with us. We're leaving at noon, the sooner we get home the better. I hope you're ready to fight, _Wanheda_."

"I've been preparing for this battle for the whole week now. I'm ready." She says surely as she searches for a confirmation from Aden. The boy nods quickly at her, but Clarke can tell he's not very convinced.

Maybe he's right to be worry and to doubt her fighting skills. But what choice does she have? Ready or not, she has to fight for her people.

"Let's go get ready." Clarke states, motioning for her friends to follow her inside the tower.

At a quick pace they should be able to ride to Arkadia in no less than 48 hours. She just hopes it'll be enough to anticipate the Ice Nation, and position the army.

When they reach the doors of the throne room, Clarke tells Octavia and Lincoln to wait outside as she has a word with the Commander. Walking in, she finds Lexa standing in the middle of the room and talking to Titus. They must be discussing who's going to take charge in her absence, but Octavia and Lincoln cannot make it out from where they're standing. They only see Lexa turning quickly towards Clarke as she hears her approaching them. A big smile appears on the Commander's face at the sight of Clarke's figure walking up to her. Then they see Titus nodding his head at the two of them before excusing himself and leaving the room. No words are needed to understand that something is going on between the two women: the way their smiles brighten up when they at each other speaks louder than anything else. Any doubt Lincoln and Octavia might have on the nature of their relationship is soon washed away when Clarke leans in to place a small peck on Lexa's lips. Leaning back, she tells something to Lexa, and then she moves for the door. Octavia and Lincoln follow her to her room, exchanging looks along the way, but never addressing the subject.

At noon, when everyone is ready to leave, they gather in front of the tower to listen to Lexa's speech. When the Commander's done, she gives orders to the infantry to start marching followed by the riders, covering their backs. The Nightbloods wait patiently by the tower entrance for a chance to say goodbye to their dear _hedas_. Lexa walks to them and gives them all a quick shake of the hand. But when it's Clarke's turn to do the same, all the kids pile up to give her a tight hug. Clarke tries not to get emotional as she hugs them back just as tight.

"Ready to go?" Lexa asks her softly, and Clarke can see she's fighting back tears of her own.

Clarke takes a second to look at the kids and then up at the top of the tower. Then she turns to Lexa and nods. "Ready."

They ride in pairs, Lexa and Lincoln in the front, followed by the other riders, and then Clarke and Octavia for last. Pairing up like that was Lexa's idea. She's reasoned, they could use this time to catch up with their friends.

Lexa and Lincoln talk for hours, chatting happily about everything and anything. But Clarke and Octavia ride in silence for most of the way. Finally, when she's positive they've gained enough distance from the riders in front of them, Octavia breaks the silence. She keeps her voice low, just in case the others could still hear them.

"Sooo... You and Lexa, uh?" Octavia chuckles at the way Clarke stares down at her horse trying to hide the huge blush covering her cheeks. "How long have you two been a thing?"

"We are not a… thing. We're..." Clarke sighs. "I don't even know what we are. She's the Commander, and I'm just me. In her people's eyes she's not supposed to fall in love, let alone with me." Clarke says with a loud sigh.

"Wait. So, no one knows you're together?" She asks in a surprised tone. "And here I thought I was the only one you didn't tell."

"Some people know. They've seen us walking around the streets of Polis holding hands, but we've been trying to be subtle about it. It's not like we had time to make an official announcement or anything. You know."

Octavia can't help but notice the sad tone in Clarke's voice. She knows what it feels like to be in a relationship your people don't agree with. She knows what it's like to be a sky girl in love with a grounder, so she doesn't judge Clarke for being in love with Lexa. If her friend says they can trust her to not betray them again, she believes her. But now she's curious to know more about the real Lexa, the girl behind the armor. So, she asks: "What's she like? The real Lexa, I mean."

"Perfect. She's kind, and caring, and..." Her face lights up as she speaks about the girl she loves. "She's nothing like the heartless and ruthless person everyone knows. It's hard to explain, really. She's just... she's just perfect. I wouldn't know how to say it better."

"Well, I'm glad you guys found each other." Octavia says sincerely.

"You're not mad that I fell in love with the girl who betrayed us and left us to die?" Clarke says shocked. She thought her friend was going to react like her mother did. She definitely wasn't expecting her to be understanding, and even happy about it.

"I know it was your choice to let that missile kill all of those people in TonDC. Just like I know it was your choice to form an alliance with Lexa in order to save our people. I can be mad at you for all the wrong choices you made; but I cannot be mad at you for something you have no control of. Love is not a choice, it just happens. So, I fell in love with Lincoln, and you fell in love with Lexa. And that's okay." She smiles fondly at Clarke to let her know she really means those words. It's okay if she loves Lexa.

"I'm afraid the rest of our people won't see it like that."

"Then make them. Let them see who Lexa really is. Show them all the good things you love so much about her."

"Did that work for you and Lincoln?"

Octavia sighs. "Let's just say… we're working on it."

Both women chuckle lightly at that. Maybe Octavia's right. They'll just has to keep fighting until all of their people will have understood and accepted their love.


	7. Hurts Like Hell

The entire army is gathered in front of Lexa's tent, where a small dais has been erected for the Commander to give her pre-battle speech on. Clarke is standing in the crowd next to her people as they all patiently wait for Lexa to make her entrance. Clarke is wearing her _Wanheda_'s armor, and she has two stripes of war paint that go from her nose to her hairline on each side of her face. She's also armed like a true grounder, with a sword and her knife tucked respectively on her back and on her left thigh. The only _Skaikru_ weapon she's carrying with her is a small gun slipped into her belt on her right side.

Clarke tries to remain calm as she waits for Lexa to come out of the tent. The truth is, she's impatient to see the other woman, with whom she hasn't had a single alone moment ever since they left Polis. Of course, they saw each other the night before during the war council, but she really wishes she could have a moment with her girlfriend before moving to battle. Especially considering that the council has decided that it would be best for them to fight on different parts of the battlefield, as their role of commanders makes them two sensible targets. That way _Azgeda_ won't be able to take down both of them at once, or so they hope.

When the Commander finally exits her tent, and makes her way on the dais, the crowd bursts out into loud cheers. But everyone falls silent as soon as Lexa raises her hand asking for attention.

"_Gona kom Kongeda, oso laik hir deyon shil Skaikru op, oso brana lukot, kom Azgeda. Geda chon jomp moun op, jomp oso op. Oso throu daun ogeda en oso kik thru ogeda_." She pauses for a moment as her warriors start cheering again.

In the meantime, Clarke uses the break to translate Lexa's words for her people. "Warriors of the Coalition, we are here today to protect the Sky People, our new friends, from the Ice Nation. A clan who attacks another, attacks us all. We fight together, and we survive together."

When the crowd grows quiet again, Lexa moves her gaze over her people, and stops to look briefly at Clarke. The two women exchange a quick nod before Lexa turns her head away to address the whole army again.

"_Jus drein jus daun_!" She shouts followed in chorus by all the warriors.

Blood must have blood! Clarke doesn't need to translate that: her people have come to know the meaning of those words all too well by now. Just like they know that that is their cue. It's time. There's no going back now, either you fight or you die.

As soon as Lexa comes down from the dais, Clarke rushes towards her. She comes to a stop right in front of her, but she hesitates to close the distance. They both stand still, looking at each other, not sure whether or not they can display any kind of affection in front of their people. Clarke takes a look around them to see if anyone's watching, and then she decides she simply doesn't give a damn. There's no way she's going into battle without properly saying goodbye to the woman she loves. So, she takes one last step to close the distance between them, and she brings Lexa in for a tight hug. It takes Lexa a mere second of hesitation before she returns the hug just as fiercely. When at last the part from their embrace, they exchange a small smile, and then they lean in for a kiss. It takes them all the self-control they have not to fall into a full make out session in front of everyone. But thankfully, they manage to keep the kiss as sober and quick as possible. When they finally part from air, they stay close with their foreheads pressed together.

Clarke brings her hand up to caress Lexa's cheek softly as she starts speaking. "Hey, _Heda_, don't you dare die on me. Do you hear me? You need to promise me you're not gonna die out there. I can't live without you." As she looks straight into Lexa's eyes, she sees a flash of sadness appear in those beautiful green orbs.

"You know I can't promise that." She says as she runs her thumb on Clarke's cheeks, mirroring her action. "Neither of us can. But what I can promise is that I'm going to do anything in my power to come back to you, _ai hodness_."

Those words manage to bring a smile to Clarke's face. "I'll do anything in my power to come back to you too."

"_Heda, taim don kom op_." One of Lexa's generals says from behind them. It's time.

At the hearing of those words, Clarke and Lexa jump away from each other. A worried look crosses both of their faces. But if the man is upset in any way by the sight of the two of them holding each other like that, he doesn't let it show.

"Alright. Let's get this over with." Lexa nods before moving to follow her general.

"Wait!" Clarke quickly stops her in her tracks by grabbing her arm and turning her around so that they're facing each other again.

She doesn't exactly know what to say, because she refuses to believe this is goodbye and, at same time, she doesn't want to part from Lexa just yet. She looks down at their hands as she intertwines her fingers with her Lexa's, because she can't afford to look weak in front of their people, not today. And she knows that, in the moment she'll look into those big green eyes she loves so much, she won't be able to hold back her tears. When she feels Lexa giving her hand a small squeeze, she finally raises her head again, and what she sees there shocks her. Apparently, she isn't the only one trying not to cry, Lexa's eyes are just as watery as she imagines her own to be. Clarke realizes this is the first time she's ever seen Lexa shed tears in public. They're surrounded by the fiercest warriors of the Coalition, yet here she is letting all her walls down, and letting herself be vulnerable for the woman she loves. Clarke knows how hard it is for Lexa to show weakness, and her heart melts at the thought of this woman loving her so much to let herself appear weak in public. Without other hesitation she throws herself at her girlfriend to hold her in a tight embrace again. Lexa returns the hug immediately this time.

"I love you." Clarke whispers brokenly in the girl's neck.

"I love you too." Lexa reciprocates before leaning back to place a soft kiss to her forehead. "I'll see you when this is all over. Be safe." And with that she turns to catch up with her group of warriors.

"You too." Clarke murmurs to Lexa's back before turning to go join her people waiting for her.

* * *

After hours of fighting, it is clear that the Ice Nation army is a much harder enemy to defeat than they have originally expected. The amount of corpses Clarke has to avoid as she moves around the battlefield, and the strong smell of blood make her feel sick to the stomach. But she keeps striking her sword back and forth, because she can't afford to get distracted, and be killed in the process. She's just run her blade through another _Azgeda_ warrior when she hears a cold voice coming from behind her.

"Well, well, if it isn't the mighty _Wanheda_."

"Nia." Clarke recognizes immediately the woman standing in front of her, even if she's never met the Ice Queen before.

"Looks like Lexa went to all the trouble to save you for nothing. She can't protect you this time, Sky girl. Your power will be mine, and finally I'll become the only leader worth of the Commander's throne!" With that Nia launches herself forward, drawing her sword at Clarke. But to her surprise, the blonde is quick enough to stop her blow with ease.

The sound of their blades colliding is all Clarke can hear for a long time, until a loud pained scream rises from her side. Clarke immediately turns her head to see if it was one of her people to get wounded, but her distraction gives Nia the time to kick her sword out of her hand, and to send her back first on the ground. The sudden attack catches Clarke off guard, and she doesn't have time to slow her fall and avoid hitting her head. She lies there all dizzy for moment, and Nia uses that time to proceed to another attack. Clarke lies still as she looks at Nia's sword rising up in the air, and then coming down hard for her chest. For a second, she thinks it's over, this is how she dies. But all of a sudden, she remembers something. It's a move she's seen Lexa teach the Nightbloods in one of their sparring sessions. She raises her left leg slightly so she can reach the knife tucked on her thigh, and right before the blade can run through her chest, she rolls on her side. Surprised by her quick move, Nia stares at her sword stuck on the forest floor, giving Clarke just enough time to roll back with her legs raised to kick the woman straight in the ribs, sending her to the ground. They both get back on their feet quickly, and Nia immediately raises her hand to lay a punch on Clarke's face, expecting the Sky girl to be unarmed just like she is. But Clarke surprises her once more, and right as she's about to hit her, she feels something sharp penetrating her flesh. Her mouth fills with that taste of metal which is typical of blood, and she moves her eyes down to see Clarke pushing a knife into her chest. When Nia brings her eyes back up to look at Clarke, the blonde turns the knife slightly in her chest sending another shot of pain through her body which is almost enough to take her breath away.

The blonde stares at her for another moment before uttering in her lowest, and most menacing voice: "I am _Wanheda_, Commander of Death! I don't need Lexa to fight for me: _non na throu daun gon ai_!" No one fights for me. And with that she pulls the knife out of the Nia's flesh, letting her drop down dead.

"This is for Costia." She whispers as the victory horns fill the battlefield with their sound.

* * *

The moment Clarke enters the gates of Arkadia, she finds herself being pulled in a strong embrace by her mother.

"Clarke! Oh my God, are you okay?" Abby leans back so she can take a proper look at her daughter, searching for any visible injuries.

"Mom. I'm okay, I promise. I'm okay." Clarke doesn't need to ask her mom if she's ok, because Abby was inside the walls of Arkadia with Jackson all the time. Their role was to tend to the injured warriors who were going to be brought in.

"Is Lexa here?" Clarke asks moving her gaze around, hoping to see her girlfriend walking among the crowd of warriors returning from battle.

"No, she still hasn't come back." Abby sees Clarke starting to panic, so she immediately adds: "The battle just ended... I'm sure she'll be here soon."

"Yeah..." Clarke doesn't sound very convinced, but she does appreciate her mother's effort to calm her down.

"Clarke!" Someone shouts from behind them. Clarke turns quickly to see a familiar face.

"Octavia!" She exclaims as she runs to her friend, relieved to see her friend is safe and sound.

They have lost sight of each other at some point during the battle, and Clarke was honestly worried the girl might have been dead. "You're ok?" She asks, mirroring her mother's actions from before. "Wait, where's Lincoln? Is he..."

"No, he's fine. He'll be here soon." Octavia reassures her quickly, although something in her voice doesn't sound quite right. It's like there's something she's holding back. Something that's definitely bad news.

Clarke doesn't seem to notice it, though, as she replies with a sincere smile on her face. "Good. I'm glad you're both okay."

"Clarke, there's something I ne-" Octavia starts just to be interrupted by Clarke, who is suddenly reminded that she was looking for Lexa right before her friend showed up.

"Hey, you don't happen to have seen Lexa, do you? She has yet to come back from battle and..." Clarke trails off when she sees her friend turning her head away as if to avoid her gaze. She's definitely hiding something, and this time Clarke sees it.

"What is it? Have you seen her? Is she okay?!"

"Clarke..."

Maybe it's the sad tone in Octavia's voice, or the way her friend's eyes water as she looks back at her, or maybe it's just the fact that everyone is back from battle but her girlfriend. But suddenly, something clicks inside of Clarke, and she starts to panic again.

"What? You… you know where is she? Octavia?" When Octavia avoids her gaze once again, Clarke starts yelling. "Octavia, what happened?! Where the hell is she?! Where's Lexa?!"

"I'm so sorry, Clarke..." Octavia says in a small voice before raising her eyes to look at Clarke slowly.

"What…?" Clarke whispers, terrified of what might come next.

"We did everything we could, Clarke. But... She'd lost too much blood. I'm so sorry." Octavia is now full-on crying as she looks at somewhere past Clarke's shoulder. The blonde follows her eyes until her gaze falls on Lincoln.

"No..." She shakes her head at the sight of him approaching them with a lifeless Lexa in his arms.

"Oh my God." She cries. This can't be happening. Please, let it be just her worst nightmare. There's no way Lexa's dead, she can't be dead. They were supposed to find each other once the battle was over and, and hug each other, and kiss and, and-

Clarke is hyperventilating by the time Lincoln reaches her. "I'm sorry, Clarke..." He interrupts her trail of thoughts as he comes to a stop in front of her.

"Lincoln. Put her down." Octavia says gently as she places a hand on her boyfriend's upper arm, encouraging him to do as she says.

She knows he has orders to bring the Commander's body to the medical center with the other dead warriors, as the ones who have survived prepare the pyre for a proper funeral ceremony. But she also knows that Clarke needs to say goodbye. And they have to let her hold Lexa one last time before they burn her body. Lincoln hesitates for a moment. As a warrior he's supposed to follow his orders, but as Clarke's friend he cannot deny her one last moment with the woman she loves. Finally, he gives up with a small nod of agreement, and he crouches down to place Lexa's body on the ground.

As soon as Lincoln gets back up, Clarke lets herself drop heavily on her knees, not even bothering the pain that shoots through her bones as she impacts with the ground. Nothing will ever come close to the pain she's feeling right now. It's like her heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and her lungs have been emptied of all of the air they used to hold inside. She's not even sure if her heart is still beating, it might as well have stopped in the moment she saw Lexa slumped lifelessly in Lincoln's arms. Now that she's kneeling beside her, she can make out two bullet holes on the Lexa's abdomen. Her shirt is soaked in her own dark blood, and there's a trail of dried blood that goes from the side of Lexa's mouth to her chin. As Clarke takes it all in, tears start streaming down her cheeks. She holds a hand on her chest, trying vainly to alleviate the pain that fills heart, and that won't let her breathe. Her other hand goes to her mouth when she lets out the first sob. She shakes her head fiercely as she cries over Lexa's dead body. Her tears fall on Lexa's chest as she leans forward to pull her lifeless figure onto her lap. Clarke embraces her girlfriend tightly as she sobs in her the crook of her neck, seeking for the warmth that she used to find there.

All Clarke can see is Lexa, and she can hear are her own broken sobs. She doesn't notice the small crowd of people that's gathered around them. She doesn't see Octavia and Lincoln crying in each other's arms at the sight of that heart-wrenching scene. She doesn't see Kane holding his arm securely around Abby's shoulders as her mother cries too, finally understanding the depth of Clarke's feelings for Lexa. She doesn't see her people's shocked, surprised, and sad faces as they find out while she's sobbing desperately in her dead girlfriend's chest, that Clarke and Lexa were much more than just the Commander of the 13th clans and the Ambassador of the Sky People to one another. Clarke doesn't notice. But in that moment, everyone knows she and Lexa loved each other with all of their hearts, even if the cruel world they live in has tried to tear them apart time and time again.

Finally, they don't have to hide their love anymore. But there is no more…


	8. Shouldn't be a good in goodbye

"Clarke..." Abby calls her gently as she comes to stand next to her daughter.

Clarke doesn't move, she just stands there looking down blankly. For how creepy it might sound, she has spent the entire night in the medical center by Lexa's side, never once letting go of her limp hand. Abby's not sure whether Clarke is holding onto Lexa to feel like she's still here somehow, or just in the desperate hope of being able to transfer some warmth back into her cold body. Looking in her daughter's eyes, though, she's not even sure Clarke has any reason at all. Her eyes are cast down, but not quite looking at Lexa's figure. Those blue orbs that had been so full of life just the day before, as she and Lexa were holding each other so lovingly, are now completely empty. They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and maybe it's true. Because Clarke cannot feel a thing right now, she's just empty.

Abby gently places a hand on her daughter's forearm in an attempt to get some kind of reaction from her. In a way it works, because Clarke murmurs something to her. Abby almost misses it, because Clarke speaks without raising her head, and her voice is very low.

"We should take her back to the capital. Her people deserve a chance to say goodbye properly."

"Okay." Abby lowers her hand slowly, until it's resting on Clarke and Lexa's joined ones. She waits a second there without moving. When she's positive Clarke won't object, she takes hold of her daughter's hand, and she pull it away from Lexa's. To be honest, Abby was hoping such a move would earn her some kind of protest from her daughter. Anything, really. But Clarke does nothing, and it breaks Abby's heart to see her kid so lost and broken. She caresses the top of Clarke's hand with her thumb for a moment before talking.

"The funeral ceremony is starting in a moment. Do you think you can come say one last goodbye to your people? Hers and yours. Both the grounders and our people would appreciate you being there." It's a good thing Abby's staring closely at Clarke, or she would've missed the almost imperceptible nod she gives her in response. With that Abby starts walking towards the door bringing her daughter out of the room along with her.

As soon as Clarke is out in the main yard, where a funeral pile has been set, Octavia and Raven rush towards her to bring her in for a hug. The broken girl doesn't move, though. She doesn't return the embrace, and she doesn't even seem to acknowledge the presence of her friends. Her gaze is simply staring blankly at somewhere in front of her. Octavia and Raven look at her worriedly for a moment, and then they turn to Abby in a silent question of how Clarke is holding on. The woman's eyes water as she shakes her head sadly, because her daughter isn't holding on at all. She's falling to pieces, and Abby doesn't know what to do to help.

As Commander of Death, it is Clarke honor to light the pyre on fire. It's one of Lexa's general to pass her the torch. Clarke takes it without acknowledging what she's doing. Her hand takes the torch from the man, and her legs begin to move towards the pyre, but it's all on their accord. Her muscles are moving automatically, as if they remember what to do from that time she had to burn Finn's body in TonDC. Suddenly, Clarke finds herself in front of an enormous pyre, above which are settled the bodies of hundreds of dead warriors. Everyone's eyes are on her. Many of the warriors are surprised to see the supposedly mighty _Wanheda_ looking so vulnerable and broken, but most people are now aware of her feelings for the Lexa. Somehow, Clarke manages to hold her head up high, and to mutter in the most commander-like tone she can master: _"Yu gonplei ste odon."_ She doesn't remember herself lowering the torch on the pyre, but a moment later all she can see in front of her eyes are its flames.

After the ceremony, Lexa's generals, Clarke, Abby, and Kane reunite in the council room to discuss how to bring the Commander's body back to Polis. They also need to decide who of the Sky People is going to go to the capital to attend the ceremony. It takes them a good half an hour to come to an agreement. Clarke doesn't say a single word, she just stands there in a corner of the room, staring blankly at the arguing people. No one tries to ask for her opinion, both because they know she wouldn't answer, and because they're not even sure she's hearing anything they're saying. In the end, the grounder warriors give in, and they agree that the safest way to transport the body is with the _Skaikru_'s rover. Kane will drive, and Abby will be in the car with him, while Clarke will be riding her horse alongside the generals. _Wanheda_'s presence was never in question, as per Kane he was chosen to take part in the funeral ceremony because he's the assigned leader of the 13th clan. With a bit of insistence, Abby was able to convince the generals to let her come as well, because she didn't want to leave Clarke alone as she's mourning Lexa's death.

* * *

Clarke is standing by her horse, putting the last of her things in the saddlebags, when a man approaches her from behind.

"You know, I might have a way for you to see your precious Commander again..."

Jaha. It's been forever since she last saw the man. Not that she's missed his presence, that is. Clarke knew he wasn't completely normal when he started talking about a City of Light he planned to find, but this… this is a whole new level of craziness. Something in her eyes must have given away what she's thinking, because the man, who is now standing in front of her, immediately adds: "You think I'm crazy… but I'm not. There's this place, the City of Light, where there's no death. Everyone who died on this Earth is there. I've seen it myself."

"You're high."

"I'm not. I've never been more sober." With that Jaha takes something from his pants pocket, and hands it to Clarke. It looks like some sort of chip. Clarke eyes it for a moment before looking back at Jaha, as if to ask what the hell she is supposed to do with that thing.

"I just want to help you, Clarke. Take it. It's the key to the City of Light. You just have to swallow it. Then, you close your eyes, and just focus on the person you want to see again. Before you know it, you'll find yourself in this virtual world that knows no death. Everyone you've lost here… will be there waiting for you."

"That easy, eh? Thanks, but I'm not taking that thing." She says harshly.

"Well… that's a pity." He states before putting the chip back into his pocket. "Her death doesn't have to be the end, Clarke."

_Don't be afraid, Clarke. Death is not the end._

"Shut up!" She's not even sure whether she's saying it to Jaha, or to the voice inside her head repeating Lexa's words.

"You're just afraid, Clarke."

_Don't be afraid, Clarke._

"I said shut up!" She cries out shaking her head in order to get rid of the small voice that's haunting her mind. The man realizes he must've touched a sore spot, but he doesn't let Clarke's words stop him from placing the chip in Clarke's hand.

"What are you doing?! I don't want your stupid key to this damn City of Light!"

"Yes, you do." With that, Jaha closes Clarke's hand around the chip, and he turns to go back inside the walls of Arkadia.

Clarke stares at him for a while before turning back to her horse, and raising her hand over her head to throw the chip into the woods. She's about to let it go, when she remembers another conversation she and Lexa had right before the battle.

_What I can promise is that I'm going to do anything in my power to come back to you, ai hodness._

_I'll do anything in my power to come back to you too. _

Maybe she should keep the chip with her. If Jaha is right, it might be her only way to get back to Lexa as she promised.

* * *

Once in Polis, Lexa's body is cleaned by a few handmaids, and redressed in clean clothes. A small altar is built in the throne room, so that the Nightbloods and the clan leaders can say their own personal goodbyes to the late Commander before the public ceremony begins.

The second Clarke enters the room, the youngest _Natblida_ rush towards her to embrace her tightly in a group hug. Abby and Kane, who are standing by the doors, are shocked by how much affection these children are showing for Clarke. But what surprises them the most is that, in this moment, Clarke's eyes don't look as blank and lost as before. They are suddenly filled emotion, with love, and Abby wants to cry because she was really beginning to think she'd never see life in those beautiful blue eyes again. It's clear to her and Marcus that a lot of things have changed when Clarke was here in Polis, before the battle. Clearly in that week, she and the Nightbloods had formed a strong bond.

When the first group of children lets her go, another group of older-looking kids moves to hug her. They take their time, each one patiently waiting for their turn to embrace the Sky girl. The last one to move is a boy whom Clarke addresses as Aden. Something in the way the two of them hold each other lets Abby and Kane image he must be one Clarke is closest to. They can barely see his face from they're standing by the doors, but it's enough for them to notice he's trying hard to hold back his tears. Once more, Kane and Abby are surprised by the change of attitude displayed by Clarke. She does not look broken anymore, but rather it looks like she's trying to act as strong as possible for these kids standing in front of her. It's such a mother-like action to put her pain aside momentarily, in order to infuse strength into these children and teens she obviously loves so much.

Once all the Nightbloods, including Aden, are done greeting Clarke, Titus makes his presence noticed. He's kept to the side all the time, but now he moves from his spot to go speak to Clarke.

"I believe the _Natblida_ have something for you, _Wanheda_."

At those words, Clarke turns to look at the kids questioningly. No one seems to want to say a thing, until it's Aden to clear his throat asking for attention. When Clarke looks at him, Aden holds out a knife, offering it to her. At first, she doesn't understand what's going on, but then it clicks.

"Lexa's knife." She whispers in surprise. "Doesn't it belong to the one of you who'll be the next Commander?"

"It does." Aden smiles softly at her before adding: "We've talked about it, and… we've all agreed it should be yours." Clarke knows that by "all" they do not mean Titus as well, and the look of disapproval on the man's face is proving her right.

While Clarke is looking at Titus, Aden comes to stand right in front of her. Still holding out the knife, he continues. "So whenever you use it it'll be like Lexa is protecting you." Murmurs of agreement come from the other _Natblida_ when he takes Clarke's hand to pass her the knife.

Clarke is at a loss of words. All she can do is stand there looking at the knife Aden has just placed in her hand. When her gaze comes up again to look at the kids, her eyes are wet with tears, but she doesn't let them fall. Her voice shakes with emotion when she finally manages to say something. "_Mochof_." Thank you.

The emotional moment, though, is soon interrupted by a guard, who enters the room to announce it's time for the ceremony. With him are other three guards, carrying a wooden stretcher. As gently as it can be expected by four warriors, they move Lexa's body onto the stretcher, and then they lift it up to place it on their shoulders. They exit the room first, with everyone else in tow, and they walk to the main square where a pyre is ready. The crowd of grounders is standing in a circle around it, but leaving enough space for all of the clan leaders to stand on the step that was built all around the pyre. Roan is there too, having been nominated King of _Azgeda_ in the wake of his mother's death. Each clan leader is holding a torch. Since Lexa was the Commander of the 13th clans, they should all have the honor to light the funeral pyre on fire. Clarke and Titus receive their torches as well. Since they are the Commander of Death and the Flamekeeper, they are to be considered at the same level as the clan leaders.

When Lexa's body is adjusted above the pyre, and everyone is in place, Titus raises his hand asking for attention. He waits for the people around them to fall silent, and then he speaks.

"People of Polis, members of the Coalition, it is with a sad heart that we stand here today to say goodbye to our beloved Commander. I'm sure you all can agree when I say Lexa was special. She was a visionary, and no Commander before had ever been as wise as her. She believed in a world where we could live in peace, united as one. It is now our duty to keep this union alive, in honor of her hard work." He pauses for a moment as the crowd is cheering. When everyone grows quiet again, he concludes. "_Yu gonplei ste odon, Leksa kom Trikru. Gonplei kom Heda kigon feva." _

_Your fight is over, Lexa of the Tree People. The Commander's fight goes on._

"_Yu gonplei ste odon, Heda_." The crowd exclaims in chorus.

"Maybe _Wanheda_ wishes to say something as well…" Titus offers looking at the woman standing next to him. Clarke nods gratefully before turning to glance at Kane, standing in the circle with the other clan leaders. He looks back at her questioningly, but when she starts talking, he understands.

"I'd like to say something on behalf of people. It's our way of bidding farewell to the ones we have passed away." She waits for Kane to catch up, so they can say the next words together. Joined by Abby, who's standing in the crowd behind them.

"In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again."

And with that, they all lower their torches to light the pyre on fire, and they step away.

* * *

It's sunset when the last of the flames has died down. A pile of ashes is all that's left of Lexa's body and of the wood that formed the pyre. Everyone is gone back to their homes, except for Aden and Clarke. They are the only ones left in the square. They stand there, silently staring at the fuming ashes, for what feels like an eternity. When at last, Aden makes a move to turn and leave, the sound of Clarke's voice stops him in his tracks.

"Why is there a good in goodbye…?" She asks looking up at the boy for a second. She knows Aden doesn't understand what she's trying to say, so she continues. "I mean, there's absolutely nothing good about it. It's like… whenever we say goodbye, it just feels like something bad that's going to get even worse. Like a storm that's never ending, or like that last moment of composure before the inevitable break. It's not gracious, and it's definitely not meant to give you hope that something good might come out of that moment. A goodbye is just the proof that you're already drowning. And the worst part is that you haven't even hit the bottom of that ocean floor yet."

When she's done, Clarke moves her gaze back on Aden, to see if he understands what means now. He does. The boy gives her a small nod of agreement. Then he turns his head to look down at Lexa's ashes.

"You're right. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye." And with that, he finally turns to walk towards the tower, leaving Clarke alone.

**Author's note: I know, I know. That last speech from Clarke makes little to no sense, but it was inspired by a song. I'll leave you the lyrics down below. Hopefully it'll make more sense after you read/listen to the song. **

**_Jason Walker – Shouldn't Be a Good in Goodbye_**

_After the silence,  
After the last words.  
Caught in the silence.  
Caught in between. _

_After the madness.  
After the slow shock.  
Before the wave hits,  
The flood comes rushing in._

_This is the bad before the worse.  
This is the storm before the storm.  
I haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor.  
This is the bend before the break.  
This is the mercy not the grace.  
This is the proof, and not the faith I try to find.  
There shouldn't be a good in goodbye. _

_If I never loved you,  
If I never felt your kiss.  
If I never had you.  
I know that I...  
I still would have mourned you.  
I would have missed your smile.  
If it wasn't so worth it,  
This wouldn't be...  
Oh, this wouldn't be _

_The bad before the worse.  
And the storm before the storm.  
I haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor.  
This is the bend before the break.  
This is the mercy not the grace.  
This is the proof and not the faith I try to find.  
There shouldn't be a good in goodbye._

_I know this is gonna get better, oh.  
I know this is gonna get better, oh.  
I know..._

_This is the bitter not the sweet.  
This is the take, and not the keep.  
And I haven't even reached the bottom of this ocean floor.  
This is the bend before the break.  
This is the mercy not the grace.  
This is the proof and not the faith I try to find.  
There shouldn't be a good in goodbye. _

_Yeah.  
There shouldn't be good in goodbye.  
There shouldn't be a good in goodbye. _


	9. The Conclave

The night of Lexa's funeral Clarke doesn't go back to her old room, leaving it for her mother and Kane to sleep in. She doesn't even go to the Lexa's chambers, because it hurts too much to sleep there without her. Honestly, Clarke isn't even sure whether she should try to get some sleep at all, since every time she closes her eyes all she can see are images of her girlfriend.

She's been wandering the hallways of the tower for a while, when she catches a glimpse of Titus leaving the _Natblida_'s quarters. As the man walks towards her, Clarke takes the chance to ask him about the kids.

"How are they doing?"

"They're sad, obviously. And they are worried about the Conclave as well."

"The Conclave…" She has completely forgotten about it. "When does it start?"

"Tomorrow." Clarke looks at him in shock. "I'm afraid they're not going to be able to get much sleep tonight. Especially the youngest."

"Perhaps I could stay with them for the night." She asks hesitantly, because she's sure the man won't like the idea. I think… I think I can get them to sleep peacefully for a few hours at least." To her surprise, Titus hesitates only a second before nodding in agreement.

Clarke gives him a thankful nod in return, and then she slips into the _Natblida_'s dormitory. Once inside, she finds the kids sitting in circle on the floor. Clarke can see they are talking, but she cannot understand what they're saying from where she's standing by the door. As soon as her footsteps resonate in the room, all of their eyes move up to look at her. None of them moves from their place on the floor, though. As she walks towards them, Clarke notices they all have tears in their eyes. That sight is heartbreaking, and she has to gather up all her strength in order to hold back her own tears. With a deep breath, she manages to smile softly at them before talking.

"Titus said I can sleep here with you tonight. If that's okay with you, of course." She smiles a bit more when she sees them nod eagerly at the idea of having her with them for an entire night.

"We were sharing our best memories of Lexa... Do you wanna join us?" A girl that goes by the name of Skye asks her.

Clarke hesitates a moment. She really wants to be there for these kids, but she's not at the same time she's not ready to talk about Lexa just yet. She swallows heavily and, when she's about to accept, Aden speaks.

"Maybe you can just sit down and listen for now. It's okay if you're not ready to talk about her." Aden offers, and every other _Natblida_ nods along with him. They might be just kids, but they are smart enough to understand that Clarke is hurting a lot right now. Even if she's doing the best she can not to let it show in front of them.

Clarke accepts the offer with a heavy heart, because knows listening to their stories about Lexa won't be any easier. With a deep breath, she goes to sit down between Trish and Cal, the youngest Nightbloods.

She listens for a good couple of hours as the kids take turns remembering their favorite moments with their _Heda_. At last, they run out of stories to tell, and the room falls quiet. Nobody says a word for a good minute, until Trish finds the courage to break the silence.

"Clarke?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I don't wanna die…" She says in a voice so small Clarke almost misses it.

"What?" That's not what Clarke was expecting her to say. Of course, she knows that nine of these kids will have to die during the Conclave, but she just hasn't had time to process that information just yet.

"The Conclave starts tomorrow, and we both know there's no way I'm gonna win…" When her voice cracks, and tears fall down her cheeks, Clarke moves to bring her in for a tight hug.

She doesn't know what to say, because "everything's gonna be okay" is a lie not even a child would believe in such a circumstance. Suddenly, the realization that she's about to lose other people she loves dawns on Clarke, and she can't breathe. All the air is sucked from her lungs for a moment. She's on the verge of having a real panic attack, but her will not to worry the kids is strong enough to get to force some air back into her lungs. With a series of deep inhales, she manages to stable her breathing and regain control of herself. Because this is about the kids and not her. She needs to be strong for them right now. Lexa used to be the rock they lean on, but now it her job. Even if she feels more like a rock sinking to the bottom of the ocean than something strong they can hold onto.

No one in the circle seems to notice what is going on with her. Apart from Aden, that is. It's crazy how much alike he and Lexa truly are. No one's ever been able to read through her mind like these two. It doesn't matter how subtle she's been about her almost panic attack, Aden reads right through her silence, understanding exactly what she's feeling, and offering her a way out once again.

"We should try to get some sleep now. Come on, let's get into bed." He orders in the softest yet most commanding tone he can master. He really is a mini version of Lexa. With that he moves onto his bed, knowing the others will follow his example.

"You'll stay here, right?" Cal asks as he gets up from his place next to Clarke.

"I'll be right here watching over you. _Ai swega em klin_." _I promise_.

The little boy seems to be satisfied with her answer, and so does everyone else because with that they all move into their beds. As the slip under the covers, they all wish her good night in chorus. "_Reshop, Klark."_

"Goodnight." She whispers, not trusting her voice with any louder tone as her eyes fill with tears.

_Reshop, Heda. _

_Goodnight, Ambassador_.

There it goes again. She's afraid that little voice inside her head replaying her and Lexa's words will hunt her forever. And although every flashback is like a blade running through her heart, Clarke doesn't want them to stop. Because she doesn't want to forget a single thing about her time with Lexa, and she never wants to forget the soothing sound of her voice. Nevertheless, Clarke refuses to get any sleep, because she knows those images of Lexa's dead body will come hunting her in her dreams. And she can't deal with them right now. Finn was her first love, and she had to kill him. Lexa was her home, and now she's dead. The Nightbloods are her family, and only one of them will survive the Conclave. Why does she have to keep losing everyone she cares about?!

_Not everyone. Not you._

Oh God! She's going to get mad. She covers her ears with her hands as she shakes her head fiercely to get the voices and thoughts out of her mind.

_It's okay. You're safe._

It doesn't work, of course. The voice is still there, and Clarke can't stop herself from sobbing quietly in her hands, trying not to wake the kids up.

_You bleed for nothing. You cannot stop this._

Wait what? She's not bleed- Suddenly, Clarke feels a sharp pain cursing through her hands, and that's when she realizes that in her attempt to block the memories out she must've dug her nails a bit too hard into her palms, causing them to bleed.

_The pain will never go away_.

She can't breathe. She can't-

_This is wrong! _

_It is also are only choice and you know it. _

_The dead are gone, Clarke. The living are hungry. _

_You wanna know why I saved you? Because I need you. _

_Then be ready to fight. _

And with that Clarke passes out.

"Clarke. Clarke, wake up! Come on, you need to breathe! Clarke!" It's Aden's panicked voice to bring her back to consciousness. She feels her lungs burning, and she sits up quickly to help her lungs fill with air again. Clarke welcomes the fresh intake of air with a loud gasp, and as soon as Aden sees she's breathing again, he throws his arms around her neck letting out a relieved sigh. He keeps his hold tight around her, but not too much, allowing Clarke to inhale a proper amount of air.

"I'm sorry I woke you." Clarke says when she realizes nine pairs of eyes are staring at her worriedly.

"Don't you dare scare us like that again." Aden cries in the crook of her neck, and she pushes him back by his shoulders so she can look him in the eyes. With her thumb she brushes away the tears streaking down his cheeks, and then she speaks softly.

"Hey, I'm okay. I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm fine now. I promise." She doesn't move her eyes away from his, until Aden gives her a small nod.

"You still have a few hours before the Conclave starts. Go back to sleep." She tells everyone as she moves to stand up.

"Where are you going?" Skye asks, refusing to lie back down.

"I'm sorry, I know I said I would stay here with you all night, but I need some fresh air right now."

"We'll see you in the morning?" Vin, a twelve-year-old boy, asks in a hopeful tone from behind her.

"Of course." She answers without hesitation as she ruffles the boy's hair, smiling kindly at him.

She makes sure everyone is back in their beds before leaving the room to go for a walk around the still empty streets of Polis.

* * *

"No, there has to be another way!" Clarke shouts, finally losing it.

She and Titus have been arguing for at least forty minutes, because she won't just let her kids die without a fight. She's been trying to convince him to find an alternative in which the Nightbloods don't have to kill each other in order to elect a new Commander, but the man will hear no reason.

"There isn't! This has been the way of our people ever since _Pramheda_, you can't just come down here from the sky and expect us to change all of our oldest traditions just because you and your people don't like them!" He shouts back just as loudly.

"I've just lost Lexa, I'm not gonna sit there and watch them die as well!" That's it! Clarke's done trying to talk some sense into him, it's time for her to act, whether he agrees or not. They're just kids, they're still alive and hungry, and it is her job to protect them now.

"Where do you think you're going?! This discussion is not over yet!" Titus yells at her back as she's storming out of the throne room.

"Yes, it is." Clarke says firmly as she comes to a stop by the doors. Before the man can object, she adds: "Plus, someone needs to go wake the kids up." And with that, she walks down the hallway to the _Natblida_'s quarters.

She's about to knock on the door when she gets an idea. There is one thing she was able to catch during the last meeting they had in Arkadia: _Skaikru_ had to bring some of their medical supplies to the capital as an offer to the Coalition that welcomed them as one of their own. Clarke remembers a trick her mother uses from time to time, when the patients start bleeding out during a surgery. Hopefully, among the medical supplies, she'll find the drugs necessary for it to work. Without bothering to consider that her mom and Kane might still be asleep, Clarke rushes to her room, and enters without knocking.

"What the hell?! Clarke? Honey, what are you doing here at dawn?" Her mother asks as she moves to sit up, resting her back on the headboard.

Clarke takes a moment to look at the man under the covers next to Abby. She's been aware of their closeness for a while now, but it doesn't make it any less weird. When her mom clears her throat, she finally explains herself.

"I need your help. You brought some of Arkadia's medical supplies as an offer to Polis, right?" All she gets in response is two pairs of shocked eyes staring back at her.

"What? I had a few moments when I wasn't completely out of it during the meeting." Clarke says, understanding the two must've thought she wasn't paying attention when they talked about it with Lexa's generals.

Abby and Kane look a little less shocked now, but they still do not answer her question, so she asks again. "Do you have the supplies with you, or not?"

"Ye-yeah… I still haven't got the chance to bring them to the medical center... They're in that box by the armchair, why? What do you need?" Abby finally answers as she gets out of bed to reach her daughter.

"The drugs you use to stop your patients' hearts momentarily when they're bleeding out, and the adrenaline... did you bring some of those too?"

"I did…" Abby says with some hesitance. "Clarke... What's going on?" She's now standing in front of her daughter, staring at her worriedly and questioningly.

"It's the Nightbloods. I'm trying to find a way to keep them alive. They're just kids, mom. They shouldn't have to kill each other to choose a new Commander."

"What's your plan?" Kane asks coming to stand with them.

"They'll just have to pretend to kill each other. I'll give each of them a small capsule containing the drug, and as they go down, they'll have to break it with their teeth and swallow the content. A healer is charged to go make sure they're really dead before they are brought out of the arena. We'll have a couple of minutes to give them the adrenaline, and restart their hearts." She can barely finish talking before her mother hisses at her.

"This is crazy! What if something goes wrong?! What if someone catches us?! What if it'll take the healer more than just a couple of minutes to confirm their death, and take them out of the arena? We won't be able to get their hearts to beat again then."

"I know it's risky, okay! If you don't want a part in it, I get it! But I'm not gonna stand there, and do nothing when there's a chance that I can save them!" Clarke's voice wavers as she shouts the last words. With a deep breath she gets herself back together, and then she speaks again, hoping Abby will understand why she's willing to risk everything on this. "They're the closest thing I have to a family. I can't lose them too."

Thankfully, Abby does not make a remark on the fact that she and her people are actually her family. Her mother knows what she means, even if it hurts a little to hear say that. So, she agrees. "Okay. We'll do this. But we need to explain to the kids exactly what it is that they need to do in order for this to work out right."

"Thank you." Clarke says hugging her mother gratefully.

* * *

Clarke and Abby are giving the adrenaline to the last Nightblood when Aden comes rushing into the room.

"Ti-Titus..." That's all he manages to say, out of breath as he is, before the bald man bursts into the room behind him, and starts shouting at Clarke.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"I told you I wasn't gonna let them d-" She tries, but Titus cuts her off.

"What did you do?!"

_What did you do?_

_What you would've done. Saved my people._

For once, Clarke's actually grateful for that voice inside her head.

"What Lexa would've done. Saved her people." She answers standing her ground. "Lexa believed Aden would be the one to succeed her. We've just respected the Commander's choice."

"The Commander's choice?! Not always the _Natblida_ chosen by a Commander is the one to win the Conclave! Lexa's had faith in Aden's abilities to win, but it doesn't mean her spirit would've made the same choice!" He shouts as he moves closer and closer to Clarke, up until the point where there's almost no personal space between the two of them.

Clarke isn't afraid though. She keeps her head held high, and she doesn't back down. "You did it yourself with Costia before, why is this any different?!"

"That was one person, this is nine kids we're talking about! How am I supposed to hide them all?!"

"It's quite easy actually. The people of Polis don't know what they look like. At least not well enough to recognize them as the Nightbloods who have supposedly died in the Conclave."

"So, you want me to what? Send them out of the tower into the city streets, hoping someone will find them and offer them a place to stay, or even a family perhaps?" Titus isn't serious about it, obviously, but it gives Clarke an idea.

"Are there any orphanages?" she asks.

Titus looks at her for a moment before it clicks. "That's not happening." He says in a tone that doesn't leave space for arguments.

"Ok, you know what? Why don't we just let them stay here, inside the tower? This is their home after all, and we're their family. We'll just keep them inside, and no one will notice they're still alive. Once they grow old enough to take care of themselves, we'll let them go outside to live the life they want among their people. By then, they won't be children anymore, and nobody will be able to recognize them."

"Except for the fact that, every time they bleed, they shed black blood." Titus says matter-of-factly.

"We'll all be careful." Clarke waits a second before adding: "Titus. I know you're not heartless. You cared about Lexa, and I know you care about these kids as well. Just like I know you're actually glad they are not dead. Look, I'm sorry I broke the rules, but I'm not sorry I saved their lives. We'll figure it out, okay?" She knows he's given up his fight when he sighs heavily, and shakes his head.

"You're lucky Lexa and the Nightbloods love you."

"Please… everyone knows deep down you care about me too." She dares to joke now that they're not yelling at each other anymore.

Titus gives her an exasperated shake of his head when she smirks proudly at him. "If you say so, _Wanheda_."

"I know so. _Fleimkepa_."

**Author's note: How about some cliffhanger, huh? Oh well, I'm gonna give it to you anyway (*smirking face*)**

Clarke goes to sleep in Lexa's room that night, for in the morning the new Commander will move into it, and all of Lexa's things will be gone.

She puts on her blue nightgown, and she slips under the covers. She's just so tired. It's been days since she last had a good night of sleep, but everything around her smells like Lexa, and she can't stop thinking about her. She tries rolling onto her side, and hugging her girlfriend's pillow as if it were Lexa, but of course, it doesn't work. She misses Lexa's strong arms securing her against her body, she misses her warmth, her smile, her voice, her... Her. She just misses her. Now that she's finally alone, Clarke doesn't need to be strong anymore. So she just let's it all out, sobbing hard into Lexa's pillow. She cries like that for what feels like forever, until she has no tears left to cry. She's so worn out she can barely move, but just when she's about to succumb to sleep, she remembers something.

"The chip." She whispers to herself as she forces her tired body out of bed.

Clarke goes through her bags looking for the _Key to the City of Light_, or whatever Jaha said it was called. When she finds it, she goes out onto the balcony, and she sits down onto its cold floor. She moves her gaze up to the stars before whispering: "I'll see you soon, my love."

And with that she swallows the chip, and closes her eyes. She focuses her mind on the person she wants so much to be able to hold again.

Lexa.


	10. The City of Light

When Clarke opens her eyes again, she's not on the balcony of Lexa's room anymore. She's standing in the middle of a narrow road, closed on each side by a series of houses. They're all one or two-storey houses with flat roofs, just like the ones in Polis. She smiles to herself when she remembers the night Lexa told her about her childhood adventures, when as a young _Natblida_ in training she would have to run and jump from one roof to another along the streets of the capital. She can imagine Lexa doing the same now on these roofs. Clarke's brought out of her thoughts by the sound of footsteps coming from behind. Her heart skips a bit, because she would recognize that sound of boots against concrete anywhere. It's crazy when you think about it, but when you love someone, a family member, a friend, a lover, you pay attention to all the small things such as the sound of their steps on an unsurfaced road. That's how you learn to feel their presence even before seeing them. And that's why Clarke can't breathe anymore, why she doesn't move, too afraid it will bring an end to this amazing dream. But most of all, that's why she doesn't need to turn or hear her voice to know the hand that's come to rest gently on her shoulder is hers. She knows, but she still can't believe Jaha's chip actually works, so she asks anyway. "Lexa?" Her voice cracks as her eyes fill with tears. The hand on her shoulder moves down to intertwine its fingers with Clarke's as another hand does the same on the other side. Clarke's body tenses as she tries to hold back the sobs that threaten to come out and wreck her. She feels her arm being moved so that their right hands come to rest on her heart, and their left ones lay on her belly. "I'm here." Lexa finally speaks before tightening her hold on Clarke until their bodies are pressed against one another. Clarke shakes slightly, but she's still refusing to let go. Lexa, of course, can feel it, and so she whispers in her ear: "I've got you." You can let go now, Clarke. You can break down, because I'm here to hug and kiss all of your pieces back together. That's all Lexa tries to convey in just those four words, and Clarke understands it all. When Clarke finally lets out the broken sob she's been holding, Lexa brings her even deeper into her as if to prove her words. And with that Clarke breaks down for good, sinking on her knees as her body wrecks with her loud sobs. Lexa never loses her hold on her, she just goes down with Clarke, kneeling behind her, and holding her tightly. She doesn't try to shush her or whisper sweet nothings into her ear to calm her down, because she knows Clarke needs to let it all out, and to break down completely in order to start over, and live again. They stay like that for what feels like hours, and when Clarke finally stops sobbing and shaking, Lexa gives her a long kiss on the crown of her head. It's not enough to put her back together, but it's a first step to give her back some of her lost strength. Lexa feels her girlfriend take a deep breath, and she knows Clarke is going to say something soon, so she moves her head down to rest her chin on her shoulder as if to let her know she's listening, whenever she's ready to talk. "You never came back to me." Clarke's voice wavers slightly despite her efforts to keep it stable. She doesn't move her gaze on Lexa yet, she just stares down at their joined hands. "I know." The former _Heda_ does not apologize. It's not her fault someone killed her, Clarke would never blame her for not coming back, she was just stating a fact. "I killed her. Nia. She had me pinned to the ground, and for a moment I thought I wasn't gonna make it, but then I remembered what you taught me in our training sessions, and I was able to free myself and kill her." Clarke's voice is just a little above a whisper, but Lexa hears it loud and clear. Lexa is shocked by her words, but she doesn't say anything. She just leans back to look at the side of Clarke's face, waiting for her next move. The Sky girl strokes her thumb on the back of one of Lexa's hands, in order to gather the courage to raise her head, tilting it to the side to finally meet the eyes of the girl she loves. Clarke's eyes water again at the sight of Lexa's beautiful green orbs staring back at her, so full of life. Slowly, she brings her hand up to cup Lexa's cheek, like she still needs some proof that this is real, that she is really there. "That's what I was going to tell you once you came back from battle." Clarke gives her girlfriend a soft smile. "I wanted you to be proud of me. And to know that I can finally fight like you. Well, not like you you, but... like a true grounder. With swords, knives, and all. I wanted you to know that the Ice Queen was not gonna hurt you anymore, because she's dead. Because I killed her. For Costia. For you." "I..." Lexa is at a loss of words, because of the turmoil of emotions she feels right now. She wants to scream her anger at whoever killed her for not letting her have the reunion Clarke had planned for her. She wants to be mad at Clarke for facing Nia on her own, putting her life at risk in the process. She wants to cry in relief because the Ice Queen won't be able to hurt Clarke anymore. She wants to thank Clarke for avenging Costia when she couldn't do it herself, and she wants her to know that she's always been proud of her. But instead of trying with words, she leans in to kiss Clarke, hoping this simple gesture is capable of conveying all of the things she's feeling in the moment. Like it's always been for the two of them, they don't need to say anything for the other to understand the message. They kiss until their lungs burn for the lack of oxygen, and then they part but still leaning their foreheads against one another. "Lexa?" Clarke calls gently after a while, causing the woman to open her eyes, and look at her. "Mmh?" Lexa hums in question. "I can't feel my knees." That causes Lexa to laugh lightly, and God, was it worthy to break that serious moment. Clarke hadn't realized how much she's missed the sound of her laugh. Lexa shakes her head in amusement as the blonde grins back at her, and then, she gets up pulling Clarke up with her in the process. When they're in a standing position in front of each other, they simultaneously move forward to close the gap between them to hold each other properly this time. "I missed you so much." Clarke says in the crook of Lexa's neck. "I don't ever want to leave you." "You can't stay here forever, Clarke." Lexa's tone is sad, and she holds Clarke a little bit tighter when she says the words. She knows her girlfriend has to go back to the real world, but she also doesn't want her to leave. "Then I'll keep coming back." That's a promise Clarke intends to keep. Lexa smiles, happy to know this won't be the last time she sees her girlfriend. "How did you get here anyway?" She asks with a curious tone. To be honest, she has no idea what that place is supposed to be. And most of all, she doesn't understand how dead people can be very much alive in here, nor how living people can come and go. "One of my people gave me a sort of 'key' to this virtual reality. He told me there was no death here." Well, that explains some of it, Lexa thinks. She's brought back from her thoughts when Clarke starts talking again. "I didn't wanna believe him because... I didn't wanna get my hopes up about seeing you again, just to find out that he was lying. I almost threw that chip away, but… I couldn't find it in me to get rid of it. I never thought I'd take it, but then…" Her voice cracks when she thinks about the reason why she's standing here right now. "I got to the point where I could hardly survive without you. I need you in my life, Lexa." She cries. "Hey, ssh, I'm here." Lexa moves to cup Clarke's cheeks in her hands, before leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. "I'm here." She breathes on Clarke's skin. They stay like that for a while, until Clarke's tears stop falling. Then Lexa tries to lighten up the mood, because she can't stand to see the girl she loves suffer so much. "I'm not going anywhere, Clarke. Literally." She jokes. "Oh, shut up. This isn't funny, Lexa." Clarke tries to suppress it, but a light chuckle still leaves her lips, and it is music to her girlfriend's ears. Lexa grins at her making Clarke shake her head at how proud she seems for getting her to laugh a little. "So... You wanna come see my house?" Lexa offers as she holds out a hand for her girlfriend to take. "You have a house?" Clarke asks in surprise. "Sort of. There are no properties in the City of Light. If you want something, you just have to make it yours." She explains as they start to walk down the road. "So, you broke into the house." "Of course not! No one lived there... it was just waiting for someone to pick it up." "If you say so…" Clarke isn't actually judging Lexa's choice, it's just that she enjoys messing with her. But unfortunately, her girlfriend is too smart to fall for it. "Just wait to see it. You're gonna love it." Lexa says, and as she was hoping, it is enough to get Clarke's attention. They walk in silence for a good five minutes. Lexa is giving Clarke the chance to take everything in. When, at last, she comes to a stop in front of a large metal gate, Clarke turns to look at her questioningly. "That's it?!" She waits for Lexa's confirming nod before adding: "Wow… That's one big house." From the gate she can see a small path leading to the front door of the large house, and a yard surrounding the whole building. She's never seen a place that big. Her whole life she's lived in a small room on the Ark, or in a tent, or in a room of the tower in Polis. "And you have yet to see the best part. Come on!" Lexa smiles at Clarke as she gestures for her to walk through the gate she's just pushed open. And with that, they walk together towards the front door. Once inside, Clarke notices that this house looks very different from the one she's seen so far. It's definitely nothing like the buildings in Polis. It looks exactly like the large houses that she's seen in pictures and videos from before the apocalypse. Right by the entrance there's a big room that is both a kitchen and a dining room. There's a long corner counter against the walls on the left of the front door, and a very long wooden table in the middle of the room. There are eight chairs around it, but Clarke is sure it could host many more people. A wall and a door separate this room from the next one, which is an enormous living room. Coming from the entrance, you meet in front of you a large glass wall that shows the beautiful yard just outside, that can be reached by two large glass doors. There's a bookcase that covers the whole left wall of the room, and which is so full of books it seems impossible none of them falls off. A big rectangular carpet is laid on the floor in the middle of the room, and two long couches are placed along the door side of the carpet and the right wall side of the carpet. A square wooden table with a few books on it is placed on the center of the carpet. On the right wall there's a big tapestry, and that's about it for the furniture of this room. It's a very big living room, but it's also rather empty. "Come. I'll show you the other rooms." Lexa takes Clarke by the hand to lead her back to the first room. Somehow Clarke has missed it before, but to the right of the entrance, opposite to the kitchen, there's a flight of stairs that leads to the second floor. Here, there are a main bedroom, and three smaller guest rooms, plus two bathrooms. The same stairs also lead to a mansard. It's a small room that looks like a mini version of the living room, but, instead of opening onto the yard, its glass doors open onto the rest of the roof. Clarke can only imagine how beautiful it must be out there by night, when the sky is full of stars. "Remember that time we sat on the balcony of the throne room to gaze at the stars?" Lexa asks softly, and when Clarke hums in affirmation she continues: "Ever since I got here, I spent every night on this roof pretending you were by my side, stargazing with me." "Maybe we can do it tonight. And many other nights to come." Clarke turns to Lexa before continuing. "You don't have to pretend I'm here anymore, my love." She whispers the last part against Lexa's lips, before kissing her lovingly. When they part Lexa smiles widely at her before biting her lower lip in thought. "Would you like to see the lake?" "Lake?" "Yeah… There's a small lake that can be reached by the yard. It reminded me of the one near Polis. That's why I chose to move in here." "Well, in that case… I'd love to see the lake. But I have to warn you: I don't know how to swim, so you'd better not push me in the water if you don't want me to drown." Clarke jokes, because literally everyone in this world, or in any world, knows Lexa would never do anything that could endanger Clarke. "I make no promises… I'm pretty sure by the end of the night I will be able to get you wet." Clarke's heart skips a bit when she notices the smirk on Lexa's face as she says the last part. In case she had any doubt, the pun was totally intended. When Lexa moves towards the stairs to go back downstairs, she gives Clarke a look of victory. Clarke doesn't want to give her the satisfaction, and she shakes her head pretending Lexa's words didn't affect her at all. Unfortunately, though, the darker shade of her eyes is enough to give away her turn-on. She might not like the man, but she'll never thank Jaha enough for this chip. 


	11. Swim Away From Reality

**Warning! This chapter is rated M due to the presence of a bit of smut. If you don't want to read that, skip directly to the second part of the chapter. **

Apparently, there's a short path that goes from the back yard of the house to the lake, where there's a private pier that leads straight into the water. Clarke doesn't see any boats, so she guesses the pier is only meant to be a sort of springboard for those who want to jump into the lake. All around the lake there are tall trees, and the beauty of the landscape leaves her dumbstruck. She wishes she had a piece of paper and a charcoal to draw the beautiful image of the water reflecting all the trees and the sky.

"Worthy, right?" Lexa asks as she picks up a small plain rock from the path to throw it on the water, making it jump five times on its surface.

"It's beautiful." Clarke agrees.

The two of them stand still, side by side, for a few minutes. Neither one dares to break the silence as they take in all the beauty offered by that landscape. Lexa's attention gets caught by a fish jumping in and out of the water, and in an attempt to follow it, she moves onto the wooden pier. She doesn't need to look back to know Clarke is right behind her. Quickly, she gets rid of her armor and boots, stripping down to just her underwear. She leaves her clothes discarded on the floor before jogging towards the edge of the pier to jump headfirst into the water.

"What are you doing?" Clarke asks with a worried tone. It's not Lexa's safety she's worried about, but her own. Because, she knows her girlfriend, and she's afraid of what she might want her to do now.

"The water is perfect, Clarke. You have to come in." There it is. Ok, let's not panic.

"Lexa… I told you. I can't swim. I-"

"You don't have to swim. I promise. The water around the pier is shallow enough for you to stand easily." Lexa says, swimming back to the edge of the pier. "Trust me." She waits patiently for the Clarke's decision, and when she nods in agreement, she gives her girlfriend the brightest grin she can manage.

When all of Clarke's clothes minus her underwear are on the wooden floor as well, Lexa moves to a standing position in the water, holding out both of her hands for Clarke to grab to lower herself into the water. But as soon as Clarke sits down on the pier in front of her, Lexa gets another idea.

"God, you're beautiful." She says as she brings her hands on Clarke's waist, before pushing herself in-between Clarke's legs.

"I thought you wanted me to come into the water, Commander." Clarke freezes as soon as she realizes what she just said. The pun wasn't intended, but Lexa didn't miss it. The smirk appearing on her face, makes Clarkes shiver a bit.

"I bet you will, _Wanheda_." Lexa teases her immediately.

Clarke tries hard not to give in to temptation, but her mouth runs dry. She clears her throat quickly, before responding in a tone that matches Lexa's.

"Is that so, _Heda_?" Suddenly, she doesn't mind the idea of getting wet.

Lexa smirks at Clarke before leaning forward to capture her lips. It takes them about a second to turn the kiss into a heated make-out session. As they go, Clarke moves her legs to encircle her girlfriend's waste, securing her to her body. Their hands start roaming over every inch of skin available, which is basically every single part of their bodies considering they're just in their underwear. Lexa's hands come to a stop around Clarke ass, keeping the girl's center pressed again her stomach as Clarke's hands move to cup her breasts through her bra.

They're not sure who moaned first, but as soon as the sound fills the silence, Lexa feels the need for more. Without breaking the kiss, she lifts Clarke into her arms backing away a little from the pier. Slowly, Clarke lowers her legs until she's standing in the water on her own feet. Now that they are on the same level, Lexa starts pushing Clarke, until her back is pressed against the pier. When at last, they have to part for some air, they keep their foreheads pressed together, and their eyes closed. Once Lexa can breathe properly again, she moves to attach her lips to Clarke's pulse point, then moving to pepper kisses along her jawline. Her hands roam up and down Clarke's back, sending shivers down her spine, and causing her to arch her back. Lexa is so focused on exploring her girlfriend's skin that she doesn't notice Clarke's hand moving up to the hook of her bra. In a swift movement, Clarke unclasps Lexa's bra with one hand, while with the other she plays with the hem of her girlfriend's panties. When her mind realizes what is happening, Lexa moves her hips forward as an invitation. Clarke, of course, doesn't need to be asked twice before slipping her hand inside Lexa's panties, and drawing her middle finger through the woman's folds. They're in the water, but she can still feel how wet her girlfriend is already. She smirks at the idea, and then she starts circling Lexa's clit with the tip of her finger, gaining a loud moan from Lexa. She can feel her own center throbbing, but she does her best to put her focus only on the other girl.

"Please... Clarke..." Lexa used to be the Commander, and Commanders don't plead, it's true. But Clarke makes her feel so good she doesn't give a damn right now.

"Please what?" Clarke's voice doesn't come out as strong as she hoped, because her own breathing is becoming shallow.

"Stop... Stop teasing..." Lexa can hardly whisper.

"As you wish, _Heda_." And with that she pushes two fingers into Lexa's entrance, giving her a brief moment to adjust before starting to pump rhythmically inside of her.

Even in her state of pleasure, Lexa can feel how worked up Clarke is becoming as well, and she can no longer stand there doing nothing. She goes back to plant kisses on Clarke's neck as she moves one hand down her abdomen till she reaches the hem of her panties. She doesn't wait for her girlfriend's invitation to slip her hand underneath her underwear to start working on her clit. Lexa can feel she's getting close, but she wants to give Clarke the same pleasure, so she pushes inside of her pumping fiercely in and out of her.

"Lexa..." Damn Clarke, stay focused on what you're doing, she mentally reprimands herself.

Lexa stops her mouth to lean back and look at Clarke. They stare at one another for a moment before closing the gap between each other in a hungry kiss. It doesn't take them long to come together, moaning loudly into each other's mouths. They keep pumping for a bit more to help the other come down from their high. Then they hold on tight onto each other, not trusting their legs to stand on their own. It takes them a couple of minutes to calm their breath.

Once Lexa is positive her voice won't fail her, she asks jokingly: "Still don't like swimming?"

"Shut up." Clarke shakes her head, amused by how proud Lexa looks right now. Then she leans forwards to kiss her slowly.

"_Ai hod yu in, Klark_."

"I love you too."

* * *

"No way! You did what?!" Lexa laughs as she holds Clarke close.

After their "swim" they moved back to the house, and had something for dinner. Once they were done eating, Lexa offered to go up to the roof to lie under the stars, to which Clarke agreed eagerly.

Clarke took advantage of the moment to fill Lexa in on everything that's happened after her death, including the story of how she saved the _Natblida_'s lives during the Conclave. That brings us here to Lexa's reaction, because honestly, she would've given anything to see Titus's face when he realized Clarke had tricked him, and the kids were all still alive.

"They're just kids, Lexa. And they're your family. Mine too. I can handle Titus hating me for the rest of my life if it means I managed not to lose them as well."

"Killing my friends... the kids I grew up with... That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm glad you made sure they didn't have to go through all that as well. They're great kids, I'm sure there's so much they can give to our people when they grow older."

"Yeah. I mean, they had the best teacher Polis could offer, so..." Clarke jokes before adding in a serious tone: "They are who they are because you guided them, Lexa."

Lexa shakes her head. "No… They've always been great kids. My teachings and example have nothing to do with it." Clarke doesn't try to argue. She knows Lexa too well to know she's never going to admit her big part in bringing the Nightbloods up.

They stay silent for a few minutes as they gaze at the stars. After a while, a cool breeze blows over them, and Clarke shivers slightly. Of course, Lexa notices and she pulls her into her side to warm her up as best as she can. Instead of voicing her thank you, Clarke leaves a sweet kiss on Lexa's collarbone, and then she hugs her tightly.

"I need you to promise me something." Lexa whispers slowly in Clarke's hair.

Clarke remains silent. She just moves her head up to look into her favorite green eyes. She sees Lexa worrying her mind to find the right words, so she goes to caress her cheek gently to encourage her to go on.

"Promise me you'll take care of yourself." Lexa notices a confused look flashing in Clarke's eyes, so she explains herself better. "I won't ask you to protect the _Natblida_ and Aden, because I'm sure you will. But I'm asking you not to put yourself in danger for them. I can't keep you safe now, Clarke. And I need to know you'll do it for me." Lexa stops talking, but Clarke can tell there's something else she's still not saying. At her questioningly look, Lexa continues. "I need you to promise me that, when life gets hard, you won't give up just to be with me."

"You know I can't promise you that…" Clarke tries to look away, because she remembers what got her here, and she knows she can't promise to never give up on a life she has to live without Lexa by her side.

"Clarke..." Of course, Lexa knows she's asking her a lot, but she still insists. "Can you at least promise me you'll do anything in your power to stay alive?" She gives Clarke her best begging look.

"Okay." Clarke finally gives up before leaning back down into Lexa's arms. "I promise."

They don't say anything else after that. They just stay there in each other's arms, gazing at the stars, until they both fall asleep. And it doesn't if none of this is real, because that's the first time Clarke manages to have a full night of sleep ever since Lexa's death.

When the morning comes, they're woken up by a voice calling for Clarke. The sun has yet to rise, and they both look around to see whose voice it was.

_Clarke_.

Wait, no one else is there, who the hell-

_Clarke! Honey, wake up! Come on! _

"Is that… your mother?"

"But… how?"

It takes them a moment to realize the voice actually comes from the real world. Abby must have found Clarke asleep on the balcony. Although, they still do not understand how it is possible for them to hear her voice resonating in the City of Light.

"You have to go back now." Lexa states looking straight into Clarke's eyes.

"What? No! I just got here. I... They can wait some more, Lexa, okay? Please. Let me stay here with you." Clarke's begging her as tears fill up her eyes. She's on the verge of sobbing, and Lexa's heart breaks at that sight.

"Hey, hey. Look at me." Lexa waits a moment for Clarke to meet her eyes before continuing. "I'll be here when you come back, okay? I can wait, they can't. You have to be there for Aden on his first day as _Heda_, you have to go back to your mom and the kids, Clarke." She brings her hands up to caress her girlfriend's cheeks before leaning in to kiss her lovingly.

Clarke closes her eyes as she kisses her back, but when she opens them again, she's no longer in Lexa's presence. She's back in Polis, and it's her mother who's staring back at her with a worried look in her eyes. For a second Clarke doesn't understand what's happening, but then she remembers. The chip, the City of light, and… Lexa. It wasn't a dream, it was real. She'd really seen Lexa again. Suddenly, the emotions overcome her, and she launches forward into her mother's arms to cry into the crook of her neck. Abby doesn't ask for an explanation. She's worried sick for her daughter, it's true, and she would like to know what's going on, but instead she just wraps her arms tightly around her daughter's shoulders, holding her until she's calmed down.


	12. Not Good Enough

**Author's note: **

**Guys, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long for this upload. Truth is, I'm a student, and I've been busy studying for an exam. On that note, I have a few more exams to give in the next couple of months, so I won't be able to upload as often as I used to at the beginning. I'm so sorry, but please bear with me. Being a writer is my hobby, but being a student is my job, and I have to put it first. **  
**Thank you for understanding. **

**XO**

* * *

Many minutes pass before Clarke stops sobbing, and leans back from her mother's hold to wipe her eyes and cheeks. Abby still doesn't ask. Instead, she just follows Clarke's every move, waiting patiently for her to be ready to explain what happened.

That morning, she and Kane entered Lexa's former room to call Clarke. Aden needed to move in, so she had to leave the room. Once inside, they couldn't find Clarke anywhere, until they noticed the door leading to the balcony was open. As they imagined, Clarke was outside. The first thing Abby noticed was that her daughter looked quite peaceful in her sleep, something which hadn't happened in a while. She felt bad at the idea of having to wake her up, but she had no choice. As soon as she put her hand on Clarke's arm to shake her awake, Abby felt her skin was ice-cold, and she guessed Clarke must've spent the whole night on that balcony. Of course, her mother's instinct instantly kicked in, and she became extremely worried for Clarke's health. That worry soon turned into panic when Clarke didn't respond to any of her calls, until she started shouting for her to wake up. That's when Abby's voice managed to reach Clarke and Lexa in the City of Light. And that's when Clarke finally came back to consciousness. Unfortunately, Abby's relief at seeing her daughter's eyes staring up at her didn't last long, and it soon turned into great concern when Clarke broke down in her arms.

"Sorry." Is all Clarke can say when she's done drying her face from her shed tears.

When she brings her eyes up to meet her mother's, she can tell that Abby is in need of an explanation on what's going on with her. Although Clarke isn't ready to tell her everything yet, she knows her mother won't back down till she knows the reason why her daughter is so upset. So, she takes a deep breath to gather her strength, and then she starts explaining

"I..." She stops when she realizes her mother and Kane are going to think she's mad if she tells them the truth. "You'll think I'm crazy..."

"I won't. I promise." Abby takes Clarke's hand into hers gently, giving it a light and reassuring squeeze. "Just tell me what happened." And with that she sits down in front of her daughter.

When Clarke moves her gaze up to look at Kane, he takes it as his queue to go and give them some space, so he starts to make it for the door to go back inside. It takes Clarke a second to understand the man misunderstood her intentions.

"Wait. You can stay if you want to..." Clarke waits for him to nod and sit next to Abby, and then she starts to talk.

"I was with Lexa..." She says barely above a whisper. She stares down at the floor as she says those words, too afraid to meet the others' eyes. And not just because she knows they must be staring questioningly at her right now, but mostly because tears are forming in her eyes again, and she doesn't want them to notice.

"When... When I was about to leave Arkadia after Lexa's... After her..." The only idea of saying the word 'death' next to Lexa's name makes her choke on her own words. She takes a moment to swallow the lump forming in her throat, and then she continues. "Jaha came to me and gave me this... chip. He said I'd be able to see Lexa again if I swallowed it... That it would take me to a virtual reality called 'City of Light', where there's no death."

She pauses a moment, both to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks and to see if Abby and Kane are still following what she's saying. They seem confused, but none of them says anything, so she continues. "I didn't wanna believe him. I… I couldn't do that. I couldn't allow myself to build my hopes up. And I don't know what stopped me from getting rid of the chip straight away, but I kept it with me all this time. Last night I... I just missed her so much." Her voice cracks, and she takes a moment to inhale deeply to regain some control.

"I had to see her again. I was falling apart for good, and she was the only one who could put my pieces back together. That's when I remembered I still had the chip. Jaha said I just needed to swallow it and focus my mind on who I wanted to see. So I did. I know it sounds crazy, but he wasn't lying. It actually works. I went to the City of Light, or rather my mind did. I'm still not sure how it works exactly. All I know is that I was able to see Lexa again. I saw her again, mom." Clarke's crying again when she raises her gaze to look straight into her mother's eyes. "I saw her." And once again, she falls into Abby's arms, sobbing.

Clarke stays there, in her mother's warm embrace, for what feels like forever. And when she believes she's shed all the tears she had left, she lets her mom and Kane lead her back inside. As Clarke is busy cleaning her face and combing her hair, Kane leaves the room to give mother and daughter some space. Once Clarke is done, Abby helps her change into some clean clothes, and she even offers to braid her hair. Clarke used to love it as a kid, especially when she was nervous for whatever reason. Abby's gentle fingers running through her hair and massaging her scalp were the only thing able to relax her in those moments. She could literally spend hours with her mom playing with her hair, if only Abby had that much time to spend with her.

That perfect moment between the two of them is interrupted as soon as Titus storms into the room. He doesn't even bother to knock, so his entrance completely startles the two women.

"Titus. What the hell?!"

"Aren't you Grounders used to knocking before entering a room?" Abby's question is completely ignored by Titus, who walks straight to Clarke.

"_Wanheda_. I need your help with Aden."

"Aden? What's wrong with Aden?" Clarke asks worriedly.

"He won't tell me. But he might open up to you." Clarke can help but enjoy how hard it is for Titus to say those words, but she chooses not to make a remark on it. "Can you just go talk to him? _Beja_." Well, that's new. Titus begging her means it must be a real emergency, because Clarke knows he would rather die than ask for her help. Especially when it comes to the _Natblida_s.

"Alright. I'll go see him..." She's starts walking towards the door, but then she realizes she has absolutely no idea where to go find the boy. "Where is he?"

"Throne room."

"Right." Of course, he's there. He's the Commander after all. "I'll see what I can do."

"_Mochof_." And with that Titus leaves the room just as quickly as he came in.

"I gotta..." Clarke starts, pointing towards the door to make her mom understand she's got to go.

"Yeah, of course. I guess I'll see you at the ceremony then." Abby gives her daughter a quick hug, and then they both leave the room.

As her mother is walking down the corridor, Clarke stops just outside the open door. She takes a moment to take everything in one last time. When she'll be back the room will be empty, and all of Lexa's stuff will be gone. It's hard to picture somebody else walking this floor and laying in that bed, or even to imagine someone else gazing at the stars from the balcony or looking down on the city. With a sad sigh she closes the door, and leaves to go find Aden.

* * *

"Aden." Clarke calls for him as she enters the throne room.

Aden is standing there, in the middle of the room, with his back to the door. Clarke doesn't need to see his face to know that something is bothering him.

"What's wrong?" She asks worriedly as she comes to stand by his side, still unable to look him in the eyes.

"What if I'm not fit to be the new _Heda_? What if people think I'm not good enough to be their leader? I'm still just a kid, Clarke." His tone is very sad, and so is the look in his eyes when he finally turns to look at Clarke.

"Wasn't Lexa just a kid too when she became commander? Aden, you've been training with Lexa and Titus for years, there's no one more fit than you for this role. Aden, look, I know the ritual, the conclave, didn't go as it was supposed to, but we chose you to be the next commander because we believe you're the only one who can do this." Aden is about to say something, but Clarke does not give him time. "Even Lexa never doubted for a second that you'd be her successor. She believed in you, and so do I. We all do. Now you need to believe too. The first step to make sure people see you are good enough is to believe it yourself." Clarke puts a hand on his shoulder before squeezing gently to encourage him. She also gives him a kind and reassuring smile, which Aden returns with a half-smile of his own.

Seeing that he is still not very convinced, Clarke continues. "If you remember even just half of Lexa's teachings, then you are ready to lead your people. And if they think you're not good enough, that's their problem not yours. Trust me, I know. My people always complain about the choices I make. Just like the clan leaders always had something to say about Lexa's decisions. And she was an amazing leader. Probably the best one you've ever had."

Aden doesn't say a word, but something sparkles in his eyes, letting Clarke know what's really bothering him. He's afraid he will never be as good as Lexa. Following in her footsteps, and living up to everyone's expectations won't be easy for sure, but Clarke knows he can do it.

"Aden. Lexa was amazing, but only because she had experience. Think about when she first took command. She was only a couple of years older than you are now, and I'm sure she was very insecure as well. Who knows how many mistakes she's made at the beginning?"

"Yeah, but she's still the only commander who was able to reunite the 12 clans under one coalition. Even with a lifetime of experience, I'll never be as great as her." Aden says in a defeated tone.

As Clarke starts talking again, he walks to the throne. "You don't have to be as great as her. And most of all, you don't have to do great things to be a good leader. And even commanders don't have to be perfect all the time. You're a human being Aden, you're allowed to make mistakes."

"Am I?" Aden says in a skeptical tone.

"Well, if something goes wrong, your people will waste no time in remarking that it's your fault, but… yes. Of course, you're allowed to make mistakes."

"Did you make mistakes?"

Clarke laughs at those words. "Aden, if you listen to my people, all I've ever done as their leader is making a mistake after another. They never once appreciated what I've done for them."

"And that doesn't bother you?" Aden asked in a surprised tone.

"Of course, it does. But I also know that it's way too easy to judge someone's decision when you're not the one making them. Our people don't know what it means to be a leader. They think we're supposed to protect everyone, but that's not possible. You'll see soon enough what I'm talking about."

Aden is about to say something, but he's interrupted by Titus walking into the room. The boy knows what he's here for, and most of all, he knows it's time for him to set all his doubts aside and accept his role of leadership.

"_Heda_. It's time." The bald man calls from near the doors bowing his head slightly when Aden turns to face him.

Aden turns back to Clarke who is giving him the most encouraging smile she can master, and then, he follows Titus out of the room.


	13. The Ascension Ceremony

**Chapter 13: The Ascension Ceremony**

In the main square of Polis, the crowd is already waiting for the arrival of their new _Heda_. Everyone is standing in front of a large platform built for the occasion. On the platform, there are 13 chairs, one for each member of the Coalition, placed on the right and on the left of the Commander's throne. They're positioned in a wide semicircle, and the leaders are already sat in their places, waiting for Aden to make his way up. Actually, all the leaders except for Marcus Kane. Technically, he's the one supposed to represent _Skaikru_, but both him and Abby have decided to let Clarke take his place for the occasion. They thought Aden could use the support of a friend during the ceremony.

Since Clarke was with Aden when Titus came for him, she didn't have time to precede him to the main square. So, pushing her way through the crowd, Clarke manages to reach the platform just before Aden does, gaining a suspicious look from everyone as she takes her seat. Thankfully, though, Aden climbing up the platform brings everyone's attention back on him, and no one makes comments about her being late. As soon as Aden is standing in front of them, all the leaders move from their seats to kneel down before their commander. At that Aden responds with a small bow of his head, which counts both as greeting and as permission for them to get back up. When everyone is back on their feet, Aden turns around to face the crowd, who is clapping and cheering for him.

It's time for his ascension speech. The boy does his best to look stoic, but Clarke can tell he's quite nervous. Taking a deep breath, Aden raises his hand to ask for attention. As soon as the square grows quiet, he begins. "People of the 13 clans, it is an honor for me to be standing here as your new Commander. I feel even more honored to be given the chance to continue what Lexa has started. She was by far the greatest leader we've ever had. I think we can all agree on that. _Lexa kom Trikru_ was a visionary: she believed traditions are important, but she also wasn't afraid of changing them for a greater good. During her time as Commander she managed to unify all of us under one Coalition. Enemies became allies, and together we became stronger. Lexa was wise, compassionate, strong, and she wasn't afraid of making the hard decisions. I can't promise to be an equally great leader, but everything I know about leadership I've learned from her. And I do promise you that I will do all my best to rule as smartly as she has." As the crowd cheers, Aden pauses and turns to look at Clarke with a smile on his face. Clarke doesn't understand the meaning of that smile until he continues.

"Wisdom, compassion, and strength. These are the three pillars of being a commander. That's what every _Natblida_ is taught during their training to become _Heda_. But there's one more pillar Lexa taught us by her example: that of love. Our oldest traditions say that to be Commander is to be alone, but that's not true." No one makes a noise this time when he pauses. They're listening carefully to see where he's going with this.

"We are just kids when we're taken away from our families. Our lives, our friends, our homes. All of that is left behind, and we're left with nothing but ourselves when we get here in Polis. The tower becomes our new home then. The Commander and _Fleimkipa_ become our guides. Somewhat like our parents. The other Nightbloods become our family and friends. That love is what keeps us going, what gives us the strength to live away from our dear ones, and what makes us work hard to be ready to take command one day. A _Natblida_ is never alone, and neither should be a _Heda_." This time light murmurs fill the crowd, and Aden needs to raise his hand to have everyone's attention again.

"I know you must be wondering why I'm telling you all this. It's simple, really. As your new Commander, my first action is to change those traditions. From now on, love is going to be the first pillar of being a commander, and leaders will no longer be judged unfit to command just because they've opened their hearts to another person. A commander who wants to marry will be allowed to do that. Because no one can be a good leader without knowing the notion of love. Do you know why Lexa was so much better than any other leader before her? Because she understood love is not weakness, and she loved her people more than anything. And so will I." With that Aden turns away from the crowd to face the clan leaders who are still standing behind him.

Everyone in the crowd is looking at him in silence, wondering what else he's going to do. The leaders look confused, and a bit worried. Changing the traditions won't be easy, Aden knows it. But he has to do it for Lexa, for himself, and for all the leaders to come. So, with a deep breath, he does what no other commander has publicly done before him: he bows to his people. The clan leaders look at him in shock. Clarke is the only one who doesn't seem surprised, but that's because she's lived this moment before. With Lexa.

As if the scene alone wasn't already bringing back all the memories of that day, Aden begins to utter the exact same words as Lexa. But this time they are directed to all the clan leaders and not just to her. "I swear fealty to you, members of the Coalition. I vow to treat your needs as my own. And your people as my people."

When he's done, Aden remains knelt down and moves his gaze up to look at Clarke. He knows how much those words mean for her. He knows Lexa said them before him, because it was Clarke herself who has told him about the vow, and how Lexa had bowed before her. So, he is not surprised to find tears running downs Clarke's cheeks, just like he's not surprised when she moves forward to help him up to his feet. Aden doesn't hesitate before taking her hand. It's not a sign of weakness, not anymore.

"_Heda_." Clarke addresses him with his new title when he's back on her eye level, and then she bows to him. It feels a bit off to be calling that someone other than Lexa, but she's going to have to get used to it. Even though acknowledging Aden is the new Commander makes Lexa's death even more real. It is like coming to the realization that the world has moved on, while she is still having a hard time coming to terms with the truth. Because, honestly, how do you move on from the love of your life?

As Clarke kneels down right in front of Aden, all the other clan leaders follow her cue and bowing to their new _Heda_. When the formalities are over, Clarke and Aden move to their seats, and them and the leaders sit down on their chairs. That's when the crowd explodes into loud cheers and applauses for their new young leader. Aden doesn't stop them this time, and he just waits for everyone to calm down and grow quite again. When silence takes over the main square, Titus moves on the platform to announce the ceremony is over, and to invite everyone to the feast in celebration of Aden's ascension.

* * *

Right after the ceremony he had to perform his duties. First, the feast, where basically all of his people came to congratulate him one at a time. So, pretty much he spent two hours watching everyone eating and drinking, while all he could do was waving, smiling, and nodding in appreciation of people's respects. Then, he had to take part in four different meetings, without any break to go get something in his stomach. After that, there was the paperwork, an incredible amount of paperwork that needed to be done. It's impressive how Lexa made it all seem so easy, while in reality it's mostly boring and exhausting.

Even meals are boring apparently. When he finally gets the chance to eat something at the end of the day, he finds himself all alone in the big dining room. The only company he has is that of a servant who brings him the dishes, without ever uttering a single word. This was just his first day as Commander, but Aden already misses the good old times when he'd eat with the Nightbloods, or with Clarke and Lexa. Speaking of Lexa, if only she could be here to help him out a little. When he comes to theory, he knows everything about leading the Coalition, but on more practical terms he still finds himself a bit at a loss. Imagining what Lexa would do in his position is helpful, but it would be so much better if he actually got the chance to ask her for advice.

He's so tired by the time he finishes his dinner, he doesn't even realize he's going the wrong way and, instead of heading to his quarters, he's going to his old room. It's the sound of loud laughter that brings him back to reality, and that's when he recognizes where he's standing at. For a moment, he considers turning away and going to his new room, but the voices of his friends convince him to knock on the door and get inside. As soon as he steps into the room, all the kids rush to him to bring him into a tight group hug. They're all cheering and congratulating him, and Aden is so moved by their words that he's only seconds away from crying.

"Hey, guys. How was your day?" Aden asks, swallowing back his tears.

"How was our day?! You mean how was your day, _Heda_!" Skye interjects excitedly.

"Well… let's just say I've had one hell of a day." He jokes, making everyone chuckle.

"I bet you did."

"Clarke." Aden says surprised to find her there. Somehow, he's missed her presence when he got into the room. And not just hers apparently. Marcus and Abby are there as well.

"We were just having a nice chat with the kids, but we can leave now." Kane says when he notices Aden's surprised look. None of them were expecting the boy to come over, honestly, but he understands he must've wanted to be with his family after the long day he had.

"Oh, no, it's fine. You can stay. We can chat altogether." And with that everyone goes back to sit on the floor.

They talk for hours about everything and anything, and when everyone but the adults, Clarke and Aden have fallen asleep, Abby and Kane leave to go back to their room. Carefully, Clarke and Aden put all the kids into their beds before sitting together on what used to be Aden's one. They stay quiet for a long time, the boy's head resting on Clarke's shoulder. At last, it is Aden to break the silence.

"I really miss her, you know?" He whispers, knowing Clarke understands perfectly who he is talking about. "I just wish she were still here to show me what is the right thing to do."

"Yeah… I get that feeling a lot too." Clarke hesitates a moment before asking. "If... If I told you I saw her... Like, last night... Would you believe me?"

Aden raises his head and turns to look at her directly in the eyes to see if she's playing with him or something. But Clarke is looking at him in all seriousness, so he responds with a curious rise of his eyebrow.

"But… how's that even possible?"

"With a chip..." Aden gives her a very confused look, so she tries to explain. "It's a sort of key to another world, a virtual reality where there is no death. Look, it's difficult to explain, but it-"

"What… You mean like some sort of vision in your dreams?" He interrupts, trying to understand.

"Well... Yeah, sort of..."

"And what did she say?"

"That she's proud of you." Of course, Clarke knows exactly the kind of answer Aden is looking for. "Aden, you can't even imagine how proud she was to know you are the new commander."

"And what about the Conclave? Was she mad that we went against the rules to save the kids?"

"No. Not even a little." Clarke smiles remembering Lexa's words. "Actually, she told me she's always wanted to change those stupid rules, and she was really glad no one had to die in the Conclave." Her smile turns into worry when she notices Aden's eyes are filled with unshed tears.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's… it's stupid." Aden says turning away in shame.

"Is it though?"

"It's just that... I don't wanna disappoint her." He states looking back at Clarke and with a voice so small it makes Clarke emotional as well. In this moment, she realizes that Aden might be the Commander, but he's also still just a kid.

"Aden..." She doesn't know what to say so she just moves forward to embrace him in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry..."

"Mmh?" She hums questioningly.

"I'm sorry if I'll ever disappoint you in the future. Any of you. I really want to be a good _Heda_ for all of my people."

"And you will be. I know you'll make us nothing but proud." She says before breaking the hug to kiss Aden lovingly on his forehead. "Get some sleep now, _Heda_. It's been a long day."

"Will you stay with me?" He sounds so much like a little kid tonight rather than a Commander of 13 clans.

"Always." She whispers lowering both of them to a lying position on the bed. "_Reshop, Heda_."

"_Reshop, Clarke_."

Aden is fast asleep before Clarke can even cover the both of them with some blankets. When she sets her head on the pillow next to his, she can't help but smile at the sight of his peaceful sleeping face. Suddenly, she becomes aware of just how tired she is as well, so she lets sleep take over her features. But of course, there's one last thought on her mind before sleep overcomes her.

Lexa.

_Reshop, ai hodness_.


	14. Clarke vs Pike

Every night, for a week, Clarke goes back to the City of Light. She keeps her promise and never lets Lexa have to star gaze all alone on that roof again. Well, at least not for seven days, because on the eighth one Clarke is too busy packing her staff to even bother getting some sleep at all. It's been decided that, after the week of celebrations in honor of the new _Heda_, Abby, Clarke and Marcus should go back to Arkadia just like any other clan leader is going back to their lands. Why does Clarke have to go as well, you might be wondering? It's not that she has to actually. To be honest she would much rather stay in Polis by Aden's side, but both him and Lexa have convinced her to take the opportunity to go visit her people and her friends for a while. So, here she is now, packing her things to go back "home" for a few days. The truth is, she feels more like she's getting ready to leave for hell rather than to go to the place where she used to belong. On the bright side, though, this trip could be the perfect chance to ask Jaha for more chips to give to the _Natblida_ so they can see Lexa as well. She'll never forget the way Aden's face lit up when she shared the idea with him. That was the moment Clarke promised herself not to come back home empty-handed, because she could never stand disappointing his expectations.

"Honey, you ready?" Abby says as she enters Clarke's room without knocking.

"Yeah, let me just... I just need..." Clarke utters as she looks around the room desperately searching for something she might've forgotten to pack.

It is clearly just an excuse, and Abby knows it. "Clarke, you know that you don't have to come with us if you don't want to. Marcus and I understand if you want to stay here with the kids."

"No. No, I... I have to do this now. Otherwise I'll never be able to leave this place again. Just give me a moment. There's just one last thing that I'm missing and then I'm ready. I promise." Clarke concludes when she realizes there's actually something she's missing.

"Ok. We'll be by the entrance, then." Abby waits for Clarke's nod before turning and leaving the room.

As soon as Abby's out, Clarke takes her two bags and exits her room as well. What she needs is in Lexa's- No, not Lexa's anymore... What she needs is in Aden's room, so that's where she's headed. The whole week, she's been trying to avoid that room as much as possible, because every time she stands in front of its door, all of her memories of Lexa come back to haunt her, and she feels like she can't breathe. Gathering all her strength, Clarke comes to a stop in front of said door. With a deep breath, she steps forward to knock on the door. She doeasn't want to go in without Aden's permission, but she gets no response from the boy. Aden must be in the throne room or outside training, Clarke imagines, so she just let's herself not bothering the hard stare that the two guards standing outside are giving her. Clarke knows what she needs and she even knows where to find it, but the moment the door closes behind her back, she's petrified. She can't move, she can't breathe, and she's not even sure whether her heart is still beating.

"I guess you're here to take this, right?" Clarke jumps, startled by the sudden voice coming from behind her. As she turns to face whoever is standing by the door, she instinctively takes out her gun.

"Woah, hey, it's just me." Aden says as he quickly puts down Lexa's armor to raise his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"When... how...?" Clarke stutters as she lowers the gun.

"I entered the room right after you. I saw you from the corridor, and I imagined you came looking for this." Aden begins to explain as he takes hold of Lexa's armor again. "I thought I might come in and check if you needed any help with it." When he's done explaining, Aden offers the armor to Clarke, but the woman doesn't move.

That's when he notices there are tears running down Clarke's cheeks. Aden doesn't need her to explain what's wrong, he knows the answer all too well. He feels the same way every time he enters his new room. He's lost count of how many tears he swallowed back in the past week. Slowly, he moves to go lay the armor on his bed, and then he walks back to Clarke. When he's standing beside her, he reaches down to grab Clarke's hand. After giving it a gentle squeeze, he turns his face to stare into the space around them, imitating Clarke.

"This place doesn't feel the same without her." He states with a sigh.

"Yeah... many things don't feel the same without her." Clarke whispers as she leans her head to rest on the boy's shoulder.

They stay like that for a minute, until Clarke remembers her mom and Kane are waiting for her. Then she moves away from Aden to go and put on Lexa's armor. When she's done lacing it, she takes a moment to stare at her image into the mirror. Behind her shoulders, she can Aden's smiling face, and she can't help but smile herself.

"Try and behave while I'm gone, _Heda_." Clarke jokes as she gives Aden a quick peck on the cheek.

"I'm not the one who's known for misbehaving, _Wanheda_." He jokes right back as Clarke walks to the door. "Try not to get yourself into many troubles, will you?" he mocks again, gaining a fake laughter from Clarke.

"Ah, ah. Very funny, young man."

"Clarke..." his voice stops her before she can fully exit the room.

Clarke hums in question, and so, he continues. "I mean it. Don't do anything stupid. Please. I couldn't stand it if I lost someone else."

Clarke smiles at him lovingly before promising to be careful. "I won't. I promise." And with that she leaves the room to go meet her mom and Kane.

* * *

After hours of riding, Clarke is pretty tired, but she's also really eager to see her friends. For most of the journey, she couldn't help but thinking of Aden and the other kids, but as they are getting closer to Arkadia her thoughts are shifting more and more on her friends. The last time she was with them, Lexa had just died, and she was completely out of it. But now she's doing much better. And she's pretty sure a break from being a leader wouldn't be so bad. She's still just a girl after all, and she needs to have some fun with her friends every once in a while. Unfortunately, though, her plan of partying and having a good time with her friends is put aside as soon as they reach Arkadia. A Council meeting is called upon their arrival, and once again duty calls.

Apparently, the representatives of the various stations couldn't wait for the next day to be informed on the new Commander in charge of the Coalition. So, here they are, gathered around a long table, waiting for Kane's accurate account of everything that has happened in Polis ever since the Conclave.

"Members of the Council, I am happy to announce that the new Commander is well-disposed, and just like Lexa, he wants his legacy to be nothing but peace." Kane barely has time to conclude his statement that Pike is already shouting his objections.

"Please, Lexa's legacy was never peace! That's what she wanted us to believe! But we all know the truth: the grounders are savages, and the only way we can survive on this Earth is by taking control!" some members of the Council start cheering in agreement, but their exultation is soon interrupted by the sound of another loud voice.

"Oh yeah, cuz we'd be so much better at controlling all the whole territory! Peace has always been our specialty, hasn't it?!" Clarke shouts in a sarcastic tone while her mother tries worthlessly to stop her.

"Clarke..."

"No, mom!" Clarke stops her, not giving Abby the time to ask her to calm down.

There's no way she's staying quiet as Pike talks shit about Lexa and Aden! Plus, what the man is saying is completely insane, and she has to try and talk some sense into him and his followers.

"Can we at least try and be civil about this? Please." Abby asks both her daughter and the rest of the representatives.

Clarke is still fuming, but she knows her mother's right. Shouting and arguing won't get them anywhere. If she wants to defend Lexa's legacy of peace, she needs to be willing to have a peaceful discussion with her people. With a deep breath she calms herself down, before speaking again. This time in a calm and controlled manner. "Look, what I'm saying is that you need to think this through. You really wanna throw yourselves into a fight you cannot win? The grounders know these lands like the back of their hands, this is their home. But what about us? We're outnumbered, and we don't know the lands. There could be traps anywhere, and we wouldn't even see them coming. There's no way we'd make it out of that war alive."

"So, what do you suggest, kiddo?" Pike spits out. If his intentions are to upset Clarke, it's definitively working. "We just do as they say like good allies? What assurance do we have that this new Commander won't betray us like the last one?"

"Lexa's already made up for what happened at Mount Weather. Or did you forget what happened during the war against the Ice Nation? Wasn't that enough proof of her loyalty? Clarke asks trying her best not to lose her temper.

"Proof of her loyalty?" Pike accompanies these words with an amused laughter. "She betrayed one of her clans to protect another."

"Ok, first of all, it was _Azgeda_ who betrayed her, and all of the Coalition, by attacking us. Lexa's never betrayed anyone; she just did what every other Commander would've done: protect the majority of her people."

"You see, Clarke, at the end of the day, the Ice Nation... Lexa... the new Commander… They're all grounders." Pike looks directly at the representatives who are on his side before concluding. "They're all the same. Savages who don't care about anything other than their own survival!" He shouts the last part gaining murmurs of approval from the others.

It's clear he's trying to get some kind of reaction from Clarke. He's provoking her on purpose, but she knows better than to give him the satisfaction of seeing her losing control again.

"And do you think _Skaikru_ is any different?" Clarke asks calmly, making sure to make eye contact with everyone in the room, because she wants them all to see the truth. "You just said you want to take control, because you think that's our only chance at surviving." She finishes staring straight into Pike's eyes.

"On the Ark, we did unspeakable things to survive. Think about how many people were floated, how many kids were arrested, or how many families were destroyed. And ever since landing on Earth, we've gotten even worse. Hundreds of Grounders died at our hands, and you know that. We are just as savage as they are when it comes to ensuring our survival." Clarke is both glad and surprised to hear these words coming from Kane. A little support is exactly what she needs.

"And without those savages, as you like to call them, we wouldn't have made it in the fight against Nia's army. If it weren't for Lexa and her army, there'd be no Sky People left." Abby jumps in as well to show her support against Pike and his friends.

Clarke can't help but smile widely at her mother for trying and defending Lexa's honor. She's glad not only has Abby finally accepted her love for Lexa, but she's also loving her herself, in her own kind of way.

The room grows quiet, but it's only a moment before Pike speaks again. "Almost all of my people were killed by the grounders inside Mount Weather, I won't-"

"Ok, let me stop you right there!" Clarke stops him before he can finish. "Again, it was the Ice Nation, and not the whole Coalition. You can't punish all the grounders for the actions of one clan only. If anyone is to blame for those deaths, it's Queen Nia. And in that case, justice has already been made. She's dead. It's over." Clarke does her best to remain calm, but his attitude is really getting on her nerves.

"Oh, I have just begun to make justice for my people. But don't worry, little girl…" Pike mocks her once again, making her want to wipe away that smile from his face with one fierce slap. But at Kane and Abby's silent request, she lets him finish. "I have no intention of hurting innocent people. I'll just kill this Commander. And the next. And the one after that. Just like I did with Lexa."

If Clarke wasn't too shocked to react, he would've definitely gotten a knife straight through his heart. She can tell everyone in the room is now staring at her, but she's paralyzed. To be honest, she's not even sure whether her heart is beating or not. Although the worried look on her mother's face let's her know that she must've gone pretty white.

Seeing as Clarke doesn't show any sign of reaction, Pike uses the opportunity to conclude. "Without a leader keeping them together, the clans will destroy themselves, and I won't have to do a thing to take control of all of those people."

He can barely finish the sentence that Clarke throws herself at him. She's holding Lexa's knife fiercely in her hand, and if it weren't for her mother and Kane's hold on her, she would've stabbed him already.

"You son of a bitch! How could you?! She was here fighting for our people! She was protecting us!" Clarke yells as she struggles to free herself. "Let go of me! Let me go! He deserves to die!" She keeps shouting.

"Clarke..." Abby tries to calm her down pointlessly.

"Guards! Arrest this traitor!" Kane orders as Clarke keeps screaming, and shouting, and kicking furiously. "Abby, please, get her out of here." Marcus asks. "Joseph, help her, please." He demands to another guard when he sees how much Abby is struggling to keep a hold on her daughter.

"No! Let go of me! I'm not going anywhere!" Clarke tries to fight against those two strong arms forcing her out of the room, but the man is way stronger than she is, and all she can do is yell at Pike one last promise as they are both taken away. "This isn't over! I will come for you, and I will kill you! Blood must have blood!"

With that the meeting is called to an end, and everyone leaves the room. Kane goes to make sure Pike is put in an isolation cell, while Abby follows her daughter to her old room. By the time they get there, Clarke is no longer screaming nor kicking, but her mother can tell she's still fuming with rage. That's why she offers

"I think it's best if I stay with you for tonight…" Abby knows all too well that Clarke is actually capable of killing Pike, especially now that she's so angry. That's why she wants to stay with her, to make sure she doesn't do anything she's going to regret later.

But Clarke isn't having it, and she practically kicks her out of the room. "Leave me alone! Get out!"

"Clarke…"

"I said get out!"

Clarke needs some time and space, Abby understands that. It's just that she's worried about what her daughter is going to do with that time and space. But she also doesn't want to upset her any more, so with a defeated sigh she leaves the room.

As soon as Abby's gone, Clarke lets go of any control she had left. Anything within her reach becomes the object of her outburst. She literally pours out her anger all over the room, throwing and smashing everything around her. When, at last, she runs out of object to destroy, she stops at the center of the room to take a look around. The mess around her matches the mess that she is right now. She's breathing heavily, and she can feel the tears forming in her eyes.

_I'll just kill this Commander. And the next. And the one after that. Just like I did with Lexa._

Pike's words resonate in her head, as she falls down on her knees and starts sobbing. The scene is so heart-wrenching even a heart of stone would break at that sight. But unlike when she was sobbing over Lexa's dead body, this time it's angry tears that are falling down her cheeks. She's angry because Lexa was there to protect her people, and one of them killed her. She's angry because it was all her fault: if it wasn't for her, Lexa's would've never chosen to protect _Skaikru_. She's angry because, had she paid more attention, maybe she could've seen it coming, and she could've stopped Pike before he could do anything. She's angry because how is that fair that he gets to live and Lexa doesn't? She's just… so angry. With everything and everyone.

* * *

No one comes to disturb her until the next morning. Clarke is still curled up in her bed when she hears someone unlocking the door. Of course, they've locked her in. She was so upset last night she didn't even notice the door was locked as soon as her mother left the room. When the door finally opens, she doesn't move. She's facing away, but she stills recognizes her mother by the sound of her footsteps.

"I got you something for breakfast…" Abby says as she sits on the bed next to Clarke.

"I'm not hungry." Clarke states as she finally sits up to look at her mother. She can tell Abby is trying to decide whether or not she should insist, and she's glad when her mother puts the tray aside and gets up.

Clarke looks at her silently as her mother starts cleaning up the mess in the room. She's glad Abby doesn't ask her what happened, although she guesses it's because her mom already knows. It's the thing about mothers, right? They can always read through their kids. Or so they say. In reality, there are so many things they don't understand. But this time Abby understands all too well. It's no news that Clarke was angry and upset the night before.

After 10 minutes of work, everything is back into place, and all the fragments of the smashed objects have been put into a bin by the door. When she's done tidying up, Abby takes a look around the room with a satisfied expression, and then she goes to sit in a chair beside Clarke's bed.

"There was supposed to be a Council meeting this morning to decide Pike's fate. But Marcus and I suggested it should be you to choose what to do with him." Abby doesn't sound very convinced then she utters the last part, and Clarke guesses it's because she already knows what her choice will be.

"I said I would kill him, mom. And I meant it. He killed Lexa." Her voice cracks when she says this last part.

"There are many ways for him to pay for what he did, Clarke."

"Blood must have blood."

"That's one of the options." Abby moves to sit on the bed and she gently takes hold of Clarke's hand before continuing. "But... Is it really the one you wanna go for? Clarke, if you kill him, you'll be just as bad as he is. And it won't make the pain go away."

"Well, maybe I don't wanna be better than he is." Clarke says as her eyes fill up with tears.

"Clarke..."

"I've tried to be the good guy, mom. Ever since we got here, it's all I've been doing. I've always considered death and murder to be the last option, and look where it got me. Every single time, I ended up paying the price for my benevolence. So, what's the point of being good and merciful if it only brings you pain and loss?" She's not even sure whether the question is for her mother or for herself.

"And what's the point of vengeance then? Doesn't it only bring around pain and loss as well? It won't bring you peace, that's for sure." Abby pauses a moment waiting for Clarke to meet her eyes again before continuing. "Killing Pike won't give you Lexa back. And you'd only be adding one more person to the list of people who've died because of you."

"But at least he deserves it!" Clarke cries out as a tear falls down her cheek. "Lexa's dead, mom! She's dead because of him! How is it fair that he gets to live and she doesn't?!"

"But that's the problem with life, honey. It doesn't give a shit about fair. Things happen… people die... and the good and innocent ones happen to die more often than the bad ones actually." She stops a moment to wipe away a tear from Clarke's face. "Clarke… life isn't fair. But it also gives us a choice when something bad happens to us. We can choose to remain good, or we can become just as bad as the ones who've wronged us."

Abby can tell her daughter is still not fully convinced, so she tries with the one thing she knows will get to her for sure. "Look, why don't you ask Lexa?" As she was hoping, Lexa's name seems to do the trick, and she can see Clarke is now giving her her full attention. "You can still go to the City of Light, right? Then why don't you ask Lexa what she should do with Pike? If anyone deserves to make that choice, it's her. She's the one Pike killed. You wanted a fair payback? Well, I think it's more than fair to let her be the one to choose how he's supposed to pay for his crime. Don't you agree?"

Clarke hesitates for a moment, but Abby can tell she's actually considering this last option. And she reads the decision in her eyes before Clarke can even voice it out loud.

"Okay. I'll talk to her."


	15. Raven

After agreeing to consulting Lexa before killing Pike, Clarke was allowed to leave her room and go for a walk around Arkadia. Her original idea was to come back "home" to spend time with her friends, but she's just not in the mood right now. So, she ends up walking around aimlessly, hoping the fresh air will help cool down her anger. She really needs to calm down a little bit, otherwise she'll never be able to get some sleep. And if she doesn't sleep, she cannot see Lexa to talk to her about Pike.

In the half an hour that she spends roaming the streets, Clarke is surprised to see no one stops her or greets her. But what surprises her even more is the sight of Raven walking ahead of her. The girl is limping quite heavily, and Clarke wonders if she was limping this hard when she saw her last. But between the war and Lexa's death, she realizes she hasn't paid any attention at all to her former friend.

As she keeps on walking after Raven, Clarke hears a voice calling out for her. It's Abby.

"Raven! I know you don't like it, but you should really use a cane to walk around." Abby says as she comes to stand beside Raven.

At that sight, Clarke speeds up a little bit, in order to be able to hear what they say. Knowing they might stop talking or change the subject if they saw her, she keeps far enough to be out of sight. From where she's standing, she can hear Raven grunt as she ignores Abby's words and keeps on walking. Or better, limping.

"Raven, I'm serious. You need to take it easy, or the pain will become unbearable!" Abby yells at her from where she's standing.

"That's the problem Abby, it already is unbearable!" She cries out as she stops and turns around to look at Abby.

"Then, all the more reason to use a cane." Abby says matter-of-factly. "Raven, look, I know it sucks…"

"Please... you have no idea what it feels like to be in pain 24/7." Raven cuts her off before she can finish.

"You're right. I cannot feel what you feel, but I'm a doctor. And it is my job to help people feel better. I want to try and ease your pain, but you have to listen to me and do as I say, Raven. This isn't the time to be a stubborn child."

"Did you ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, I didn't ask for your help? Unless you can give me my leg back, there's nothing you can do for me." Raven says as she turns to walk away again.

Clarke's heart breaks at the sight of her friend looking so broken. She used to be so fierce and full of energy, but now she can barely stand. And from the way she talks, it seems that she's given up any fight she had left in her.

As Raven walks away, Clarke moves to reach her mom. Once she's standing beside her, she notices Abby has tears in her eyes, and that makes her feel even worse. In that moment it dawns on her that, ever since Lexa's death, she's been so caught up in her feelings that she's never even bothered wondering if her friends and family were going through a hard time themselves. That was pretty selfish of her, but it's not too late to make up for it. Now that she's here, she can help. And who knows, maybe that will make her feel better as well. For sure it will help keep her mind away from Pike.

"Hey mom." She greets as she comes to a stop beside her mom.

Abby looks up at her in surprise because she didn't hear her approaching. "Clarke. I didn't hear you." She says as she wipes away the tears that have managed to run down her cheeks.

"Is everything okay?" Clarke asks worriedly.

"Yeah, don't worry about it." Abby says in a not very convincing tone.

Clarke knows all too well that her mother's lying, so she asks again, looking in Raven's direction: "How bad is she?"

With a sigh, Abby decides to be honest with her. "She can barely move her leg, and if she stands for too long, the pain becomes unbearable. I've been trying to tell her to take it easy, but she won't listen to me." She concludes in a defeated tone.

Clarke's always been kind of jealous of the bond between her mom and Raven, especially considering that they bonded when she was down on Earth trying to survive and be a good leader. Also, being an only child, Clarke has always been used to having her mom all to herself, and having to share her with someone else feels wrong. But there's also a part of her who's glad Abby and Raven found each other. They both needed someone who cared, a family of sort. Plus, she loves Raven too, despite everything that's happened and everything that Raven's told her. Clarke has never stopped caring deeply for her friend. And obviously, she loves her mother with all her heart. It doesn't matter what wrongs she's done, the bond between mother and daughter doesn't die easily. So, learning Raven is in so much pain, and seeing how much that's affecting Abby as well, is causing her heart to break into a million pieces. She wishes there was something she could do to help, but she's afraid she's powerless.

"What about you? Are you feeling any better?" Abby's asks after a moment of silence, bringing Clarke back from her thoughts.

For a moment, Clarke considers lying and pretending she's feeling better. She really doesn't want to upset her mom any more. But then, she remembers that things are just getting better between the two of them, and lying isn't going to do any good to their healing relationship. So, she chooses to be honest with her.

"Not yet." She responds truthfully. "I thought getting some fresh air would help clear my mind, but the anger is still there."

At those words, Abby gives her a worried look, but it soon fades away when Clarke speaks again. "Don't worry. I intend to keep my promise, mom. I won't do anything to Pike until I've talked to Lexa."

Abby's proud look gives Clarke just the strength she needs to not let herself lose control of her emotions. But after a moment of consideration, she adds: "But even if Lexa does spare Pike, I'll never be able to forgive him for what he did."

"I know. And it's okay, honey. We don't have to forgive everybody."

Abby's words catch Clarke off guard. She actually expected her mother to tell her that Pike only did what he thought was best for his people or something, and so she should not hate on him for his actions. But it seems like Abby has changed her opinion on humanity as well after all. Not everyone deserves our forgiveness. As Clarke makes this final consideration, a question suddenly forms into her head.

"Do you think she's forgiven me?"

"Who?" Abby turns to look at her daughter questioningly.

"Raven."

"You should ask her, not me." Abby says simply. But then, seeing Clarke's upset look, she decides to add something more. "For what it's worth, I think she has." She says smiling sweetly at her kid.

If only that were true, Clarke thinks to herself. She really hopes her mother's right. Truth be told, she misses the old times when she and Raven were friends. And it wouldn't suck if she, Raven and Abby could become a family. Plus, after Lexa's death, Raven was being very sweet with Clarke, so maybe her mom is right and she has indeed forgiven her. Or at the very least she doesn't hate her anymore. That would be a great starting point on itself. But what really worries her is that Raven might never be able to forgive her for killing Finn. Just like Clarke could never forgive Pike. After all, she and Pike did what they did for the same reason: they were trying to protect their people. Only Clarke knew for sure that it was either Finn or all of their people, whereas Pike had no proof Lexa was a threat for his people. As she ponders all those things in her head, Clarke realizes something. If she really wants to be forgiven by Raven, she needs to apologize first. And that's something she hasn't done yet.

"You should try and talk to her. Hopefully, spending some time with each other will be a good distraction for the both of you." Abby suggests when she reads in Clarke's eyes that there's a lot going on in her head. "Maybe you can even try and convince her to listen to her doctor. I don't know why, but I have a feeling she'll listen to you."

"I doubt that... she can be pretty stubborn when she wants to."

"She's not the only one." Abby points out jokingly. "I wonder where you get that from..."

Clarke chuckles at that, because it's true. Between her and her mom, it's hard to tell who's more stubborn. And if you add Raven to the group, the competition gets even harder. Maybe that's why they can either love each other deeply, or hate each other completely, without any in-between.

"I'd better go after her now."

"Yeah, and I'd better go back to my patients. They've waited long enough already." Abby says as she becomes aware of the time. She's late for her appointments. "Let me know how it goes, then!" She yells as she starts rushing back inside the nearby building.

* * *

It takes Clarke about forty minutes to find Raven. It would've been so much easier if she stopped to ask somebody where she could find the girl. But that would've meant having to interact with people, and she really wanted to avoid any potential conversation about Pike or Lexa. She just isn't in the mood for that. Not yet.

When she is about to give up and go back to her room, she notices a limping figure walking down a sidestreet. It's Raven, at last! But where is she going? Clarke doesn't have time to try and find an answer to that question, because Raven trips on something and falls down heavily on her hands and knees.

"Damn it! Stupid leg!" Raven curses as she grits her teeth in pain.

"Raven!" Clarke calls out as she runs towards her. "Are you okay?" She asks worriedly as she kneels down in front of her.

When Raven lifts her head to look at her, Clarke notices she has tears in her eyes. But they are not just tears of pain. Clarke recognizes them, because she's shed them too. They are tears of frustration. Raven doesn't need to utter her thoughts for Clarke to understand. She's frustrated because she's in constant pain, because it takes her so much effort to walk, or better limp, around, and because she keeps tripping and falling since her leg won't collaborate.

"C'mon, let me help ya." Clarke offers as she gets back up holding out her hands for Raven to take.

Raven hesitates a moment, and Clarke is worried it's because she got seriously hurt. But then Raven finally takes her hands and moves to get up. But as soon as she's back into a standing position, a piercing pain shoots through her leg. If it weren't for Clarke's hands steading her, she'd be down on the ground in no second.

"I can't. It hurts too much." Raven cries out as she moves all her weight on her good leg.

"You've been standing for too long… C'mon, let's sit down here for a while." Clarke offers leading her towards the side of the street to sit on a few boxes abandoned there. "You should take that off for a moment. Less pressure on your leg will help ease the pain." She suggests pointing at Raven's brace.

Raven seems hesitant at first, but then she gives in. Anything that could potentially make some of the pain go away is more than welcome right now. With a nod, she agrees to do as Clarke suggested. But when she leans forward to unlace her brace, the pain gets even worse, and she cries out again.

"Wait. Let me." Clarke says kindly, as she moves Raven's hands out of the way.

This time Raven doesn't hesitate. Normally, she isn't one to accept people's help easily, she always wants to solve problems on her own. And the fact that she's not resisting Clarke's help right now is just a further proof of how bad she must be hurting.

"Here you go. Better?" Clarke asks as she puts the brace to the side.

She doesn't get an explicit response from the other girl, but Raven's sigh of relief sounds like an affirmative answer for sure. As Raven closes her eyes, taking a moment for the sharp pain to go away, Clarke moves to sit down next to her.

"I saw you talking with my mom earlier today." Clarke states after a few minutes of silence.

At those words, Raven chuckles and turns to look at her. "If Abby saw me right now, she'd tell me that I should've listened to her and taken it easy."

"My mom sure does enjoy saying a good "I told you so" when she's right." Clarke jokes before turning serious again. "Look, I don't say this very often, but… she really is right, Raven. You need to take it easy, or it's only gonna get worse."

"But is it going to get better if I do take it easy?" Raven points out. "If my leg is doomed to hurt like this forever, I might as well not let it stop me from doing something useful for my people."

"You're not gonna be useful to anybody when the pain won't allow you to move anymore." Clarke reasons.

"I'm not just gonna sit down and do nothing all day long, Clarke. I can't, that's not me."

Well, here she is, the stubborn Raven she and Abby were talking about. But Clarke doesn't let that stop her from trying again.

"I know. And I'm not telling you to stop working. You just need to find a way to stress your leg less."

Raven looks about to say something, but then she thinks better of it. As much as she hates to admit it, Clarke and Abby are right. She's been trying to prove herself and everyone else that she's still capable of doing everything she could do before, but that's not true. It's just a lie she's being telling herself because she doesn't want to admit she's a useless cripple now.

"Raven, listen to me. You are one of the strongest women I know. You're quite possibly the best engineer, mechanic and pilot we have. Your brain and your heart are what makes you special, and that's never going to change. Yes, you are different now, but there is nothing wrong with that."

"Except for the fact that my leg hurts all the time…"

Clarke would like to reply with something, but what more can she say? No matter what, she cannot stop Raven's pain, and her leg is never going to get better. Yes, taking it easy will help, but it sure won't be enough to make all the pain go away. As Raven pointed out, that's something she's doomed to live with for the rest of her life. Hopefully, at some point, she'll come to terms with it. But knowing Raven and how she can never be still for too long, she understands why this situation is so difficult for her to accept.

"Okay, you're right. Maybe there is something wrong with you." Clarke admits. "But it's only wrong if you let it stop you from living."

Raven seems about to object, but then she keeps quiet. So, Clarke takes advantage of the moment to insist some more. Maybe there really is a chance she can convince Raven to listen to Abby's advice.

"Look, if you really wanna do something, you'll find a way to do it no matter what. Even if you can't stand or put weight on your leg for too long. You've never let anything stop you before, so don't give up now. You can still do great things, you are not doomed to live a useless life, Raven." She pauses briefly to study Raven's face, and she's glad to see she seems to be considering her words. "You can choose to survive for a few more years, working as you've always done, and with your leg hurting more and more with each passing day. Or you can choose to live a long life, maybe stiller than the one you were used to, but at it least you won't have to deal with the pain 24/7." She takes another brief pause because the memories of a conversation she had with Lexa are making her emotional right now. "I'm gonna tell you something I told Lexa a long time ago: life is about more than just surviving. So choose carefully before it's too late."

After that, Clarke remains silent waiting for Raven to consider her options and come up with a decision. Something about the struggle she can read in Raven's eyes, tells her she has managed in her intent. And when Raven does speak, at last, it only confirms Clarke's positive feeling.

"So, I guess I'm gonna have to give Abby the satisfaction of being a good patient." She jokes.

"It's the right decision."

"I hope so." Raven sounds kind of skeptical, but Clarke is sure she'll be fully convinced once the pain starts subsiding a little.

Now that that's done, Clarke can focus on the second reason why she wanted to talk to Raven. She has to apologize for killing Finn. Addressing the subject right now kind of scares her, because they've just had a positive conversation, and she doesn't want things to get tense again between them. But she's avoided the conversation for far too long, and they both need closure. So, with a big intake of air, Clarke gathers up the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry." Her apology comes out of the blue, and Raven turns to look at her in confusion.

"It's not your fault if Murphy shot me, Clarke." She states, misunderstanding what Clarke is sorry for.

"No, not for that. For Finn. I'm sorry I betrayed you and chose Lexa over him." Clarke clarifies, not looking at Raven, because she cannot stand to see her reaction.

Now the confusion on Raven's face turns into surprise, because she was not expecting Clarke to bring that topic up in this moment. It takes Raven a few seconds to formulate something to say.

"I get why you did what you did, Clarke."

Wait what? That is definitely not the kind of reaction she was expecting from Raven.

"So... you forgive me?" Clarke asks slowly, too afraid she might be pushing it too far too fast.

"I hated you for killing him. You were supposed to kill Lexa with that knife, but even back then you chose her."

"I chose my people..." Clarke corrects.

"I know." Raven looks at Clarke and you can see it in her eyes that she really means it. "It took me a long time to accept the truth, but now I get it. Had you killed her as I asked you to, we'd all be dead now."

Clarke would like to ask if that means that she's been forgiven after all, because Raven still hasn't answered her question. But she doesn't want to get her hopes too up, so she doesn't say anything. Luckily for her, Raven understands what's going on in her head, and she gives the answer Clarke is looking for.

"I no longer hate you for killing him, Clarke. And I don't think you betrayed me, not anymore. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you completely."

"I understand. And I know my apologies won't give you Finn back, but still, I'm truly sorry you didn't even get the chance to say goodbye."

Like Raven before, Clarke understands immediately what Raven is thinking. She understands the thing Raven could never forgive for is that Clarke got to say goodbye to Finn before he died, and she didn't. It's not fair.

But speaking of saying goodbyes, there's something Raven needs to tell Clarke, although she feels extremely ashamed about it now.

"The day of Lexa's death, when I saw you crying over her, I felt happy." She pauses a second to study Clarke's reaction. Her friend doesn't seem to be shocked by her words, so she continues. "It was only for a brief moment, but it felt really good to see you going through the same pain I experienced when Finn died. And the fact that you didn't get to say goodbye to the person you loved made us even." As she talks, Raven can only stare down at the ground, because of how much shame she feels.

The only idea that there was a time when Lexa's death made her happy is sickening to her. She used to be better than that. She used to be one of the good guys. But maybe Abby's right, and there really are no good guys. And she and Clarke aren't that different after all.

"Does that make me a monster?"

"No, of course not. You're just human." Or at least that's what Clarke's been telling herself all this time. "And I might've deserved that."

"Don't say that. No one deserves to lose the person they love. Especially not like that." She says as she finally finds the courage to look at Clarke. "I'll be honest with you, I never liked Lexa. And I still struggle to understand how you could've possibly fallen in love with her. But I'm truly sorry for your loss, Clarke."

Again, Clarke is taken by surprise because she never would've expected to hear those words from Raven. Not only is she no longer blaming Clarke, but she also seems to trying to understand her.

"You should've met her as just Lexa. Not the ruthless Grounder Commander you knew her as. Then, I'm sure you would've liked her too. She was actually a really good person at core. And contrary to what it looked like, she really hated any kind of violence. It's just that to be a good leader is to make hard choices sometimes."

"Maybe you could tell me a little bit about her. I'd love to know more about the real Lexa, the one behind the Commander's mask." Raven offers truthfully.

"Perhaps some other time." As much as she'd love for her friends to know about Lexa she loved, it still hurts too much to talk about her. "Now we need to go see Abby, or she'll be worried about you for the rest of the day." Clarke says, using her mother as an excuse.

"C'mon. You can lean on me so your leg can relax some more." She offers as she stands up and takes hold of Raven's brace in one hand, holding the other out for Raven to take.

Without hesitation, Raven grabs Clarke's hand and pulls herself into a standing position. It takes her a second to steady herself before she can start walking down the street and back to the medical center. Half limping and half jumping all the way there isn't easy, and she risks falling head-first to the ground on more occasions. But Clarke's strong hold on her keeps her up on her feet each time she trips. And it doesn't matter if Raven's weight is almost all on her shoulders, because there used to be a further worse weight on her heart, and now it's finally gone.


End file.
